The Beast with a Billion Backs is a 2008 direct-to-DVD animated film based on the Futurama series.
== Bender ==
Well if the League of Robots isn't real, how come I had a whole sticker-book of 'em when I was younger? Answer that with your precious logic![Standing on platform in space in front of the anomaly; quietly] Bender to Crew, I have reached the Gateway to another Universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion... [Loudly] Hey, Other Universe! Bite my shiny metal a— [Goes to stick rear end through anomaly into Other Universe but it explodes on contact, sending Bender and spaceship hurtling through space.]I brought you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbages, right?Weren't you already pope of somethin'?If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us!Bender knows love, and love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy. Love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy! I love you meatbags!
== Leela ==
This isn't heaven! It just looks exactly like it and makes us immortal! Which I find suspicious.Oh, don't mind him. I'll turn him off.
== Others ==
Professor Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations!
Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? MY LEG FEELS FUNNY!
Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sand paper.
Kif: Perhaps you should see the meaning of "Fonfon Ru"! It means one who doesn't sleep with my superior officer. That's the literal translation!
Linda: [in panic] They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! [calmly] Morbo?
Richard Nixon: Aroo! Those tentacles are coming to earth and there's no stopping it! King Kong's too old to save us this time!
Yivo: Hey, butt out. This is between me and everyone in existence.
Zapp Brannigan: Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
Stephen Hawking: [after shooting lasers out of his eyes] I didn't know I could do that.
Amy: Oh, Kif! This is just like a movie with this happening in it!
Hermes: (selecting a neck protector from the Professor's supply) I'll take two. My neck is huge.
== Dialogue ==
Ms. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand in the swamp being eaten alive by damn bugs. [squashes a bug]
Kif: Ms. Wong, no. The final stage of my species' lifecycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.
[the bugs come together]
Kif's father: Welcome.
Ms. Wong: Sorry. I guess you have plenty of bugs to spare, huh?
Kif's father: That was my left testicle.
Bender: And the awkward meter goes up another notch! Ding-ding-ding-ding!Stephen Hawking's head: Quiet down, and settle this like men of science.
Professor Farnsworth: Very well. [cut to an imposing arena] LET DEATHBALL BEGIN!Professor Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express!
Wernstrom: Go even more, my team!Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder then that.
Bender: No crap! My grandmother was a bulldozer!Colleen: Come here, winner!
[She kisses Fry.]
Colleen: Come here, loser!
[She kisses one of Wernstrom's Deathballers.]
Fry: Colleen? What are you doing? My face is over here.
Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly!
Fry: I thought I was your boyfriend!
Colleen: You are!
Fry: Then how could you have two boyfriends?
Colleen: Oh, I don't, I have five! [four other men approach] Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Schlomo!
Schlomo: Hi, what is?
Colleen: Schlomo and Ndulu will help you pack your things into my apartment tonight!
Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy!Professor Farnsworth: Good work, Deathballers. We now have the right to explore the anomaly.
Dr. Zoidberg: Wha? I thought I was playing for my freedom.
Professor Farnsworth: No.Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide!
Zapp: Pretty please.
Bender: [laughing] Aww, you humans are so cute when you're scared. In here!
[Bender directs the trio into a hollow metal object which turns out to be Destructor's right leg.]
Destructor: MY LEG FEELS FUNNY![On All My Circuits, Calculon is approaching a home]
Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime.
Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.
[He rings the doorbell and the door opens]
Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.
Calculon: Son of a bit! This is my house! But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique?
Monique: I tried to, but I couldn’t. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers!Wernstrom: Farnsworth! I have important information about the anomaly!
Professor Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up in the rudest possible way.
Hermes: Yes, sir. [pulls down his pants and grabs the phone in his butt cheeks]
Wernstrom: No! Not the Crackslam!Professor Farnsworth: To better understand the anomaly, I will test its effects on this Giant Medium-Sized Ant.
Giant Medium-Sized Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be Sugar-Syrup!
Professor Farnsworth: Quiet, you!Amy: Kif has asked me to be his fonfonru.
Hermes: [after long pause] What the hell does that mean?The Grand Priestess: Is the best man present?
Zapp Brannigan: Guilty as charged!
The Grand Priestess: Kindly hose the couple!Calculon: Upon each step is a test.
Bender:Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass.
Calculon: Test number one, the test of the beer-mug.
Blatherbot: Yes, er, quite right, quite true.
Robots: Drink the mug! Drink the mug!
Bender: I accept your challenge. [drinks from the mug]
Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon.
Robots: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!
Bender: Are all the tests gonna involve drinking?
Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes.
Bender: Woohoo! Just like med-school.
Robots: Hurray!Stephen Hawking: Welcome! I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way cool rocket.
Leela: Black-hole Hawking? Wow! If I knew I was gonna meet you, I would've done something with my hair.
Stephen Hawking: You should have.Dr. Zoidberg: We're rolling in 3-2-What? We're already rolling?
Fry: Love the tentacle!
People: Love the tentacle!
Fry: Loved ones, the monster-puss has revealed unto me its name.
Morbo: What is our love's name?
Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings male and female. But Yivo has no gender. Thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of he or she we are to use the word shkle. And instead of him or her we are to use the word shklim or shkler.Professor Farnsworth: Now I've often said "Good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.
Hermes: Not dangerous at all?
Professor Farnsworth: Actually quite dangerous indeed.
Hermes: That is quite dangerous!
Professor Farnsworth: Indeed.Blatherbot: So it seemed that a human had been rather injured by a knife and as his, uh, uh, blood. Yes, I think that's what they call it.
Calculon: Quite correct. Blather on.
Blatherbot: As he drained away, he said "Take me to a doc-!" No doubt he intended to say "doctor", but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his final word, we dragged his body to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.
Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy.
Hedonism Bot: Quite.
Billionairebot: Speaking of humans, did I show you my new monocle? Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know.
Hedonism Bot: My, how repulsively decadent.
Billionairebot: Yes. But more importantly it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident.Bender: I feel great and it's all thanks to Calculon. His visit really inspired me. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.
Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show, like that time you already did that?
Bender: No. I'm going to be a stalker.
Leela: That's not a career, more of a felony.Hermes: It got Zoidberg!
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.Wernstrom: I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation.
Professor Farnsworth: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable!
Planet Express Crew: Yeah![Calculon goes to sleep in his bed, then wakes up and finds Bender lying on his bed.]
Calculon: Who are you?
Bender: Bender, your biggest fan.
Calculon: Are you going to murder me?
Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it.
[He pulls out a diorama from his chest depicting him and Calaculon playing table tennis.]
Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.
Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams.
[The light goes off and Calculon shuts his eyes, then Bender extends his eyes with a whirring sound until they are mere inches away from Calculon. Calculon opens his eyes and Bender zooms in more.]Leela: No effect!
Wernstrom: See? I told you diamondium was worthless.
Professor Farnsworth: Quit promoting your cheap diamondillium and look at this! [Points at a random blinking light]
Wernstrom: [worried] Uh-oh.
Professor Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacles are made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma. Nothing from our universe can penetrate it. Not diamondium, not diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! [to Wernstrom] She's a terrible cook. Anyway, we're all dead.[Bender goes to Robot Hell to strike a deal with the Robot Devil and get his army of the damned.]
Robot Devil: I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing; your first born son! [laughs evilly]
Bender: Jus' a sec.
[In a suburban neighbourhood, Bender approaches a small robot with a blue cap and shorts on.]
Robot: Daddy! I knew you'd come back!
Bender: [to the Robot Devil] Here ya go!
[Bender boots his son out of a window and into a vat of liquid which bursts into flames upon contact with the child.]
Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal, even by my standards.
Bender: No backsies!Leela: [While running away.] Thanks for everything, Bender!
Bender: [Pleasantly.] Death to all of you!Bender: Let me come with you.
Fry: Sorry, Bender, robots don't go to heaven. [he leaves]
Bender: [sadly] Death to humans.Fry: Yivo proposed! We're moving in with shkler!
Bender: Y-you're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.
Professor Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shkle came here, shkle would shkluffocate.
Bender: No shklit.[Fry and Colleen are riding the "2-D Tunnel of Love".]
Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2-D!
Colleen: I do? But from your perspective I'm just a line segment.
Fry: A really hot line segment.Leela: Okay, I admit that everyone's happy, but it's all so wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven! It's boring! There's no sleaze!
Thog: It time snu-snu!!
Zapp: Me like snu-snu!
Amy: Last one to Mattress Island's a rotten egg!The Grand Priestess: I am the Grand Priestess!
Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife?
The Grand Priestess: And the Grand Lunchlady. I work five jobs, all "Grand".The Grand Priestess/Funeral Director: I am the Grand Funeral Director!
Dr. Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?Fry: Here's to you!
Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast.
Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes and—
Ndulu: Thank you.
Fry: I'm not talking to you!
Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you!
Schlomo: Vould ev'ryvon be qviet? I vanna hear vat he hez to say.
Fry: Thank you.
Schlomo: Not you, ya fershtinkiner. She only laks you b'coz she laks cavemen from da stoopid ages.
Bolt Rollands: Oh, yeah? Well, she only likes you because she has matzah fever!
Ndulu: What's your excuse? Moron fever?Hedonism Bot: We only have six due-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army.
Bender: Then a damned army we shall have!Bender: What’s her problem? Somebody die or something?
Leela: Kif’s dead, Bender.
Bender: Nailed it!
== See also ==
Futurama: Bender's Big Score
Futurama: Bender's Game
Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder
== External links ==
The Beast with a Billion Backs quotes at the Internet Movie Database