[<< wikiquote] My Wife and Kids
My Wife and Kids was a sitcom that aired on ABC,  2001–2005. It starred Damon Wayans and Tisha Campbell-Martin. 


== Dialogue ==
Jay (after Tiara compliments Junior's shoes): Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.
Tiara: Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.Junior (who's about to eat raw chicken): Have you ever heard of sushi?
Michael: Have you ever heard of salmonella?
Junior: No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?Kady:I made you some chicken noodle soup.
Michael: Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?
Kady: No, silly!
(Michael starts to eat the soup)
Kady: ...the fish tank!
(Michael then spits out the soup)
Michael: Mmm, mmm, guppy!Michael: No asking your grandfather for money.
Junior: I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?
Michael: Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?
Michael: Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.Jay: What does that look like to you?
Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.
Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.
Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.
Jay: I did.
Michael: When did Sony start making towels?Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).
Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.
Claire: Really? How long will that take?Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.
Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.Michael: Put him [a customer] down!
Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?
Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?
Michael: Like a virgin.Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?
Jay: Go check on the kids.Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.Michael: I found a gray hair.
Jay: Where? In your goatee?
Michael: Lower.
Jay: Your chest?
Michael: Warmer.
Jay: You're nuts!
Michael: Exactly. The right one.Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.
Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?Junior: These hands were made for love.
Michael: I know one of them is.Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.
Tony: Yes, you are.
Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."
Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.
Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.
Jay: Which one?
Junior: The band.Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?
Junior: It.
Claire: It?
Jay: It?
Michael: It?
Claire: That's disgusting!
Jay: That's disgusting!
Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?
Michael: Unplanned pregnancies?
(Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!
You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!
Jay: Go point your view back at the television.Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)
Jay: That wasn't even necessary!
Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.
Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.
Jay: Thanks...I think.Michael: (to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?
Man: Until midnight.Hippie: (to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!
Michael: And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!Franklin: [to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.Jay: It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!
Michael: I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.Jay: Junior's SAT scores just came in.
Michael: Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.Jay: Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?
Claire: Shopping.Michael: Son, how do you feel about sheep?
Junior: Hey, who don't like saving money?Jay: (to Michael) If you keep this up, you're going to get to know your fingers really well.Michael: This beef stroganoff is really saying something.
Jay: Yeah, it's saying 'I'm meatloaf!'Claire: Junior, get your butt out of my face!
Junior: Get your face out of my butt!
Claire: I'm the one in the line of fire!A short time later:Michael: Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.Kady: Which one of the Powerpuff Girls is my favorite?
Franklin: Barney?Vanessa: Which yogurt flavor is my favorite?
Junior: Seven!Jay: What is my dress size?
Michael: The answer to your question is, your dress size is a six...
Jay: *giggling*
Michael: ...teen!Michael: Why does everyone think I'm the big green ogre?
Junior: Because you are.Jay: What, you have a big-screen TV in your back pocket?
Wanda: No, but thanks for suggesting one can fit back there.Junior: I can't concentrate on my homework.
Michael: So you have to concentrate to bring home two D's and an F.Jay: I'm cleaning out the closet.
Michael: With what, a bomb?Jay: Tell me that's not Brian McKnight.
Junior: That's not Brian McKnight.
Jay: Yes, it is, Junior.
Junior: Then why'd you tell me to tell you--
Jay: Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar!Calvin: [after tasting some pudding meant to symbolize feces in a baby's soiled diaper] Mmm, it's chocolate pudding.
Instructor: Lucky for you, that's right.


== Jay ==
(referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent."
(to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!"
(to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat."
"The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."
(to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat."


== Junior ==
"Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"
"Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"
"I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"
"And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"
"You know I can't work a VCR."


== Michael ==
"How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"
"This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."
"Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."
"Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"
"Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."
(to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!"
"'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."


== Kady ==
"I don't care about no chocolate, anyway. It gives me the runs."


== Franklin ==
"Let's drink some of that colored water, saturated with high-fructose corn syrup, get a huge sugar rush going, and then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials sing and dance their way through a jungle festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals that will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12 and leave me twitching in a diabetic coma."


== Other people ==
Grandma Kyle: "I'm going to outlive you if it kills me!"
Nurse: "Did something die in here?"


== External links ==