[<< wikiquote] Green Eggs and Ham (TV series)
Green Eggs and Ham is an American animated web television series loosely based on the 1960 Dr. Seuss book of the same title. It premiered on November 8, 2019 on Netflix. The series has received critical acclaim for its animation, humor, and voice acting.


== Season 1 ==


=== Here [1.1] ===
Narrator: And right over there is a narrator muter! I wonder what that does?
[The inventor turns a dial and the narrator's voice fades]
Narrator: Wait! Hold on! No! Stop turning the dial, please! I can't...Sam I Am: Great meeting you, GRRRUMPH!
Guy: My name is Guy.
Sam I Am: Huh. That's a weird name.Guy: Ohhhhh.... STUPID INVENTION! STUPID GUY! I GIVE UP! (Later) Stupid bus, stupid town, stupid sidewalk... stupid hat.Sam I Am: So, what'd you fail at?
[Guy growls]
Guy: [gritting his teeth] Would you please just leave me alone?Sam I Am: [to Guy] I am Sam. Sam I-Am, of the Glurfsburg I-Ams. Perhaps you've heard of us. What's your handle, partner? [Guy grunts] Grumph! Lovely name. How do you spell that? Is that one "rumph" or two?
Donna: So, Sam, I imagine you'll be having the ushe?
Sam I Am: [smiles] If you insist.
Donna: [to the diner cook] Green eggs and ham!
Diner Cook: Coming up!
Guy: Yuck!
[He goes back to reading the newspaper. Sam knocks on the paper like a door to get his attention]
Sam I Am: [gasps softly] You don't like green eggs and ham?
Guy: [coldly] No, I do not like them, Sam I-Am. I do not like green eggs and ham.
Sam I Am: Understood. Question asked and answered. No further queries necessary. [clicks tongue thoughtfully] Have you ever tried them before?
Guy: [sighs] No.
Sam I Am: Well, how can you be so sure you don't like 'em if you've never actually eaten 'em?
Guy: Well, I've never eaten walvark droppings, but I'm pretty certain I wouldn't enjoy those either.
Sam I Am: But green eggs and ham are the most delicious-est, nutritious-est, greenest-est thing in the world, and, P.S., they are especially good here.
Guy: [annoyed] That's fantastic, but I don't want them. Here or otherwise.
Sam I Am: Tell you what. [to Donna] Make that two orders, Donna, on me.
Guy: [also to Donna, frustrated] No, just oat mush, and a spoon!
Sam I Am: Sad Man Special. [sucks teeth] Suit yourself.Sam I Am: It's getting late. I should probably be heading home anyway. Got a bunch of friends there waiting for me. Gonna be a real hoot. Possibly a double hoot. [chuckles] I should give you my address in case you and the kitchen staff feel like coming by.
Donna: I still have it, Sam. From the last time you invited us?
[She gives Sam a warm smile. Sam, touched, returns a big beaming smile]
Donna: And the six times before that.
[Sam looks away, slightly embarrassed]
Sam I Am: Oh, yeah. Of course. [for a split second he looks downhearted, but then he flashes Donna another friendly smile] Of course!
[Sam walks sadly to the door]
Sam I Am: Night Donna!
Donna: Goodnight, Sam.Michellee: Oh, dear. I’m not gonna say, “I told you so”, because I’ve written it down. [holds up a “I told you so” card]Michellee: Oh, just the thought of that awful device gives me the fizzles. I wouldn’t let my daughter go anywhere near it. [sighs] E.B. is very fragile.Michellee: So, who’s excited about our big business trip?
E.B.: Me. I am. Definitely. [hides the fishing pole] But... counter-proposal, maybe I could just stay here.
Michellee: But I thought you were looking forward to seeing Meepville.
E.B.: You know, I’m just worried about the big city, where every step is a roll of the dice. Maybe I’d be safer here in boring Glurfsburg where nothing ever happens.Michellee: Cheese-stuffed bamboo? E.B., this creature is not a pet. It’s terror on four feet!
E.B.: Chickeraffes walk on two feet, Mom.
Michellee: Of course. So they can use the other two to mash their prey into a fine paste. You are definitely coming with me to Meepville, young lady. And yes, the big city can be dangerous. Which is why we have these! [takes out the friendship bracelets] They’re Friendship Bracelets! [E.B. struggles to remove the bracelet and Michellee activates the magnetic pulse of the other]
Friendship Bracelets: Genu-ine Friend-ship!
Michellee: Fun! Right? [E.B. groans as Michellee drags her] This way, we can stick together and be safe always, like friends.


=== Car [1.2] ===
[Sam eats the green eggs in the car. Guy stares in horror at the green yolk in Sam's mouth]
Sam I Am: Mmm. Mmm.
Guy: Ew... [gags in disgust]
Sam I Am: Mmm... Hey, man, you gotta get in on this! I got enough for both of us!
Guy: [raising a hand to stop Sam from peddling the dish] No. I will not eat them in a car.
Sam I Am: Okay. That is an oddly specific stance on the matter. [places the tray on the seat] But I'm gonna keep this edible joy right here for when you change your mind.
Guy: [yawning] I've got a better plan.
[Guy pulls his hat lower, folds his arms and nestles into his seat, drifting off to a refreshing and much-needed sleep]
Sam I Am: Ah, good thinking, trav buddy. You take a load off and get some shuteye. [starts the car and drives on] You are safe and sound with old Sam behind the wheel.Guy: I'm headed to Meepville to be a Paint Watcher.
Sam I Am: [idly drumming on the steering wheel] Whoa, watching paint dry? Fun! Fun, fun. Fun, fun, fun.
Guy: It's not fun. It's a solid, practical, fall-back profession.
Sam I Am: [sarcastically] Uh-huh. Very solid. Not giving up on your dream at all.
Guy: Just... Let me off right here!Sam I Am: I am a licensed wildlife rescuer. Those bad guys wanna sell the poor fella to a collector, whereas I have his best interests in mind.
Guy: [dryly] Your mother must be proud.Waitress: [talking to Guy over the phone] Eight-three-five... Are you writing? 8351 North Bluff Gluff. North, not South.
Guy: [trying to force Mr. Jenkins the Chickeraffe back into the briefcase] Yes. And you're sure that's where he lives? The little guy who ordered the green eggs and ham?
Waitress: Oh, yes! Sam! That's right! You guys are briefcase buddies!
Guy: No! We are not briefcase buddies!Bellhop: We hope you're enjoying your executive suite featuring seventeen rare and priceless vases.
Guy: Are those, by any chance, insured?
Bellhop: [laughing] No! They're rare and priceless!Bellhop: Anyhoo, as a Quintuple Stainless Member, you are now entitled to a complimentary lullaby! So, if you'll just snuzzle yourself into bed and allow me to tuck you in...
Guy: If you don't mind...
[He hurriedly pushes the bellhop away to stop him from seeing Mr. Jenkins, who is still causing havoc in his hotel room]
Guy: ... I sleep better standing up.E.B.: Mom, slow down!
Michellee: Absolutely not! You never pick up hitchhikers on the side of the road, E.B., or anywhere else for that matter. [activates auto lock and E.B. turns off the auto lock]
E.B.: But, Mom, look at him. The poor guy’s stranded. [Michellee reactivates auto lock and activates the auto lock-auto lock]
Michellee: I will not look at him because taking my eyes of the road would make a dangerous situation even more dangerous, plus the tenor of his voice clearly indicates that he’s a deranged lunatic.
Guy: I’m not.
Michellee: Or a drifter hoping to make us pawns in his treacherous ruse.
Guy: Also not.
Michellee: And have you even considered the possibility that he’s a felon?
Guy: I’m sorry, but if you’re passing on the whole giving me a ride thing, you mind finishing this out of my ear shot? Your judgments are very hurtful.
Michellee: You’re right! That was insensitive of me. Anyway, good luck with the rest of your travel, Mr. Lunatic!
E.B.: Mom, wait!
Michellee: Buckle up your headbelt, sweetie. I’m kicking it into overdrive!
E.B.: Mom, stop!


=== Train [1.3] ===
Guy: Listen, Sam, it's time we went our separate ways. [turns around and finds that Sam is not there] Sam? Sam?
Sam I Am: [from over at the station] Relax, best friend! I'm right here!
[With the weary resignation, Guy picks up the luggage and heads to the station where Sam is]
Sam I Am: This guy. Already gone two seconds and he already misses me. Needy! [heads over to Guy] Here is your ticket and here is your change [presents Guy's wallet]
Guy: That's my wallet.
Sam I Am: I figured I deserved a ticket for saving your life. Good news! We've got seventy-seven bruckles left.
[Sam puts it into Guy's pocket. Guy, agitated, tries to swat Sam's arms away]
Guy: We? There is no we.
[Guy shoves Sam's luggage into him and storms over to the train]
Conductor: ALL ABOARD!
Sam I Am: This is so us.
Guy: As soon as this train ride is over, we are going our separate ways forever. And we'd better not be sitting next to each other.
Sam I Am: [giggling] I wouldn't dream of it.
[The scene cuts to Sam and Guy sitting on opposite seats. Guy looks fed up and uncomfortable]
Sam I Am: Across is much better. This way we get to look right at each other when we chat.
[Guy quietly seethes while Sam gushes]
Sam I Am: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
[Guy continues to glare at him]
Sam I Am: And... there. I just saw your soul.
[Guy clutches his face and groans]E.B.: Green eggs and ham? Gross.
Guy: [with cathartic enthusiasm] Yeah! [laughs triumphantly]
E.B.: What?
Guy: No, it's just, um, you're a smart child. You have life figured out. Trying new things is the road to disappointment. Let me explain. Let's say you try something new, you might not like it. Or worse, maybe you're allergic to it. You develop a rash. You keep scratching, and it keeps spreading, until eventually, you're more rash than person. People start to call you "rash girl" behind your back. Worst part is, you don't do anything to stop it, because deep down, you know you have become Rash Girl. All because you wanted to try something new.
Sam I Am: Are you Rash Girl?
Guy: [indicating furiously to E.B.] No! I was talking about her!
Sam I Am: [whispering to E.B.] Pretty sure he's Rash Girl.Sam I Am: Where's your mom?
E.B.: In the Boring Car, being boring. What are you doing up there?
Sam I Am: Funny you should ask.
[Sam struggles to keep Mr. Jenkins on the roof of the train]
Sam I Am: I'm, uh, sleepwalking! Wow! What a crazy dream this is! I am so not awake right now.E.B.: This Bar Car looks super fun!
[bracelets beeping]
Michellee: Exactly. Stay close.
E.B.: Like I have a choice.Sam I Am: Well, allow me to unstranger myself. I am Sam, Sam-I-Am. [Sam takes the menu away from Guy] This is my best friend in the whole world, Guy.
[Guy chuckles]
Michellee: Hey, wait a minute. You’re that sad and dangerous inventor who wanted to strap explosives to my child’s back.
E.B.: And the deranged lunatic from the side of the road.
[Sam giggles]
Sam I Am: That’s him! And we are officially unstrangered.Michellee: I’m sorry about your death trap blowing up.
Guy: Oh, it’s fine. I’m transitioning to Paint Watching. Safe, steady, suits me better.
Michellee: Really? I classified you as a... well, a dangerous type.
Guy: Oh, no, I’m safe. Dangerously safe.
Michellee: But your travel buddy, Sam, he doesn’t seem safe.
Guy: We’re not buddies, travel or otherwise. We just ended up sitting next to, or across from each other.
Michellee: Oh.
Guy: You and your daughter headed up to see Mr., uh, you?
Michellee: [chuckles] There’s no Mr. Me.
Guy: Oh.
Michellee: I’m on a business trip. The SnerzDay Gala. Certainly couldn’t leave E.B. back in Glurfsburg. Not with that dangerous Chickeraffe on the loose.
Guy: I... haven’t heard about that.
Michellee: Oh! It’s really... It’s all over the news. Chickeraffe fever.
Guy: What’s, uh, a, uh, chickeroo? [stammers] A chickera?
Michellee: A Chickeraffe.Sam I Am: By the way, hope you don’t mind, I helped myself to your toothbrush. Well, our toothbrush, am I right?
Guy: Our toothbrush? There is no our toothbrush. There is no our anything!
Sam I Am: What do you mean? We’re a team. Dream team!
Guy: Oh, I wish this was a dream. But you have turned my life into a nightmare. Because of you, I’m a felon, I nearly drowned, and you’ve stolen my wallet at least three times! Every moment I’m with you is a disaster! [changes his pajama hat to his regular hat] So I’m leaving. Now. Bye.
Sam I Am: But... But!


=== Fox [1.4] ===
Guy: Love fails. Always. You get your hopes up, it seems wonderful and then... it blows up, right in your face. Boom! Same as everything else.Guy: Quick question: Shouldn't you know Chickeraffes can't fly, Mr. Wildlife Expert?
Sam I Am: Biology isn't a science, Guy.
Guy: You seem really bad at your job.Michellee: Why do you have a Chickeraffe?
Guy: Well... It's an interesting story.
Sam I Am: It really is. Plot twists for days. Binge-worthy.
Michellee: Oh! I knew you were a dangerous man. [Guy nodding “no” in denial] I can’t believe you lied to me. Actually, I can. I just can’t believe I was stupid enough to trust you.Guy: We need to be efficient.
Sam I Am: Got it. Get in, get out.
Guy: Right.
Sam I Am: And while we're at it, it wouldn't hurt to fry up a nice green egg or two.
Guy: [reproachfully] Sam!
Sam I Am: But have you ever had green eggs and ham with a fox? So good. They really know their eggs.Sam I Am: [to Mr. Jenkins] Sorry, big fella. It's just you and me now, and I am perfectly happy raising you as a strong, single Sam. We don't need a Guy to take care of us.
[Guy bursts into their cabin after an escape from the BADGUYS and Sam throws himself at his feet]
Sam I Am: Oh, thank goodness you're back! I missed you so much. I've been a total wreck.Guy: [to Mr. Jenkins] I'm not your papa.
[He watches a rainbow - literally tied in a bow]
Guy: But Sam, he's... he's a bumbling fool, and you need someone to look after you. So, hmm, perhaps, maybe I'll stay a while. You know, just until I know you're safe.
[Mr. Jenkins chirps happily. Guy reaches out and pets him]
Guy: Guy Jr.Michellee: Let’s go, young lady. We’re going straight to the Think About What You’ve Done car, where you can think about what you’ve done all the way to Meepville.Michellee: Honey, I don’t need you to punish yourself. I just need you to think before you run off like that.
E.B.: But Mr. Jenkins could have gotten hurt.
Michellee: You could have gotten hurt. Please, don’t ever scare me like that ever again.Michael: Hey there Sandra.
Sandra: Oh, hey, Michael.
Michael: I brought you a present. [opens the box] The ones with the caraway center are my favorites.
Sandra: [sighs] I don’t want them. Give ‘em to Terrence.
Michael: Okay. [gives them to Terrence and eats them]
Sandra: What’s with the tie?
Michael: It’s for our date tonight. I was thinking ice skating. Maybe a little smooth jazz.
Sandra: It’s a hard pass, Michael.
Terrence: Michael... I like smooth jazz.
Michael: Not now, Terrence. Just one date, please. I think that you’re the sweetest, smartest, greenest hen in the whole world!
Sandra: You’re a fox. You eat eggs.
Michael: [stammers] Not anymore. I haven’t touched an egg in a month. I’m on this cleanse now where all I eat is worms, corn and mud, and I feel amazing! I’ve changed, Sandra. I’m a new fox.
Sandra: Maybe. But you’re still a fox.


=== Dark [1.5] ===
Narrator: Guy wouldn't admit it, but he did need some hope. And a hope man is helpful, even if he's a dope.Sam I Am: You're in luck next time you're stuck in a pit of doom, Guy.
Guy: Because I know how to build one of these?
Sam I Am: Nah. 'Cause you gotta have your origin story to tell.[Sam has accidentally extinguished their campfire]
Sam I Am: How about I make it up to you with a bite of these green eggs and ham?
Guy: No, thank you.
Sam I Am: Are you sure? They're really good in the dark. The lack of sight truly heightens your other senses. [chews on them loudly] Mmm! Mmm! Those just sound delicious.
Guy: I would not like them in the dark.Michael: Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’ve recently committed myself to an eggless existence, but it is not easy. I mean, they’re really good.
Sam I Am: I hear that.
Michael: And if Sandra knew I took the...
Sam I Am: Oh, right. Your chick.
Michael: Sandra is no one’s chick! She’s very much her own hen, and I respect that.
Guy: From one feminist to another, that’s very admirable. So, we’ll just leave these ties and show ourselves out.
Michael: Keep the ties. Just promise you won’t say a word to anyone about my one moment of weakness.
Sam I Am: One moment? [yelps]
Guy: Our lips are sealed.
Sam I Am: Yes. We swear we will not tell Sandra.
Michael: Sandra! She could never hear about this! Because if she did, [retracts his claws] I don’t know what I’ll do.
Sam I Am: Relax. There’s no way Sandra will...
Michael: Sandra!
Guy: Would you please stop saying...
Sam I Am: Were you gonna say “Sandra”?
Michael: Sandra! She makes waking up in the morning worth it! Sandra!
Sam I Am: Let’s get out of here!Michellee: Oh... [chuckles] It’s very pretty.
E.B.: You think?
Michellee: I super think. Such a beautiful landscape.
E.B.: [sighs] It’s not a landscape. It’s a Chickeraffe.
Michellee: Oh. Oh, sure is. I see it now. I especially like how you drew his little foot right there, tearing out that guy’s eyeballs.
E.B.: That’s his nose. And he’s snuzzling me. How many times do I have to tell you? They’re not dangerous. [sighs] It doesn’t matter. I’m not even allowed to have a panda, let alone Mr. Jenkins. [crumbles up the drawing and throws it on the floor.]
Michellee: [picks up the drawing] Why don’t you let me help you with this? You know, your mom, well, she used to be quite a good artist back in the day.
E.B.: No, thanks. I’ll just watch grass grow.


=== Box [1.6] ===
Guy: Unbelievable. Your stupid hat idea actually worked.
Sam I Am: Y'know, red is really your color.
Guy: But we’re still wanted men, and you spent all our money.
Sam I Am: It’ll be fine, Guy. Things always work out in the end.
Guy: Oh, yeah, for you. You do whatever you want, and everything always turns your way. Even your police sketch! Looks amazing!
Sam I Am: Thank you.
Guy: Tell me, how does it feel to be so yipping lucky?
Sam I Am: You sir, are about to find out.Sam I Am: Green eggs and ham on a stick? Bestest carnival food ever. Wanna try? They’re really good in a box.
Guy: No, I will not eat them in a box. Wait a minute. How did you pay for them?
Sam I Am: I didn’t. I struck up a conversation with the vendor, and he gave them to me for free.
Guy: [chuckling] Why wouldn’t they be free? Stuff always turns out fine for Sam. You do wrong and win. I do right, and it all blows up in my face! When her hat landed in my hands, I really thought your luck rubbed off on me. That I received some of that special Sam I-Am mojo. But what happens to me? I end up doused, and soused, and fished, and flattened. And when I try to be honest, suddenly I'm Randy.
[Sam solemnly puts a hand on Guy's knee]
Sam I Am: I thought you were Dave.
Guy: Never mind! I'm through with you. [burrows himself in the packing foam]Handcuffs: Genu-ine con-vict!Sam I Am: They’ve got us pegged. We need disguises. [switches hats] Boop!
Guy: Switching hats is not a disguise.Michellee: Oh, please! Who wants to go to a carnival?
E.B.: I do. Because carnivals are fun, and there’s one right across the road. But you’re ignoring it, because you have no idea what fun is. Because you’re no fun!E.B.: Now that was legit fun.
Michellee: [sighs] It was. [gives E.B. a bruckle] Here, go get some fabric candy. Get a little bit of of everything. Cotton, nylon, flannel, maybe even the poly rayon blend.
E.B.: By myself?
Michellee: Mm-hmm. But I’ll be watching you the whole time.
E.B.: It’s good to have you back.Guy: I love your hair. Hello.
[Michellee crosses her arms]
Guy: I probably should’ve led with “hello”.
Michellee: [takes her hat back and puts it on] So you work at the carnival now? Because I thought you were Guy, the exploding inventor. No, wait. Oh, no, no, no. It’s Guy, the Paint Watcher, am I right? No, no, wait a second. No, I forgot. You’re Guy, the wild animal smuggler. Is your name even really Guy?
Guy: Yes. My name is...
Carnival Boss: Randy! [Guy turns around] You’re fired! You and that Dave made a mess of everything!
Michellee: Randy? What kind of a con artist are you anyway?
[Guy bursts out laughing, Michellee gets irritated, and Guy takes the tickling fish off of him]
Guy: Sorry. That’s a tickling fish. Long story. [sigh] The truth is... Well, all of it’s true. I was an inventor, and... and now I really do want to be a Paint Watcher. I’m not a felon. I swear. I... I jaywalked once, but... I’m just trying to ensure that poor animal is safe.
[Sam screams]
Sam I Am: The animal is not safe!
Michellee: Goodbye, Randy.


=== Mouse [1.7] ===
Shvizelton Cop #1: Welcome to Shvizelton jail. Enjoy your stay. Oh, and you're entitled to one call.
Sam I Am: Okay, one call.
[Sam goes to the window and yells out of it]
Sam I Am: GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYY!Sam I Am: And who might you be?
Guy: It's me, Guy. With a mustache.
Sam I Am: Nice to meet you, guy with a mustache. I'm Sam with a jail hat.Sam: Guess what they serve here! Green eggs and ham. Try some?
Guy: Ugh, no!
Sam: They're surprisingly good with a mouse.
Guy: I will not eat them with a mouse. I'm fine with oat mush.
Mouse (Squeaky): I don't want to eat them with you either, you filthy son of a-
[The scene cuts back to Sam and Guy's perspective, where all we hear is squeaking]
Guy: So, what’s the plan?
Sam: Plan? I don’t have a plan.
Guy: But the thing where you were like, “Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha!” And I was like, “Ah, ha, ha, ha.”
Sam: [laughs] Oh, yeah. [laughs] That was funny. Good times.
Guy: You said you had a plan. Two-man job. Do you remember that?
Sam: [chuckles] Yeah, two-man jobs are way more fun than one. But no plan. Any ideas?
Guy: [groans] I was free. Jenkins and I would’ve been halfway to Meepville by now. But no, I had to turn around and save you. What was I thinking?
Sam: [giggles] Yeah, what were you thinking?Glutz: What's the word on the street about the Chickeraffe Bandits?
Shvizelton Neighbor #3: Oh, no. Here in South Shvizelton, we don't like to gossip.
Glutz: How about in North Shvizelton?
[She grabs the citizen by the shoulders and places him in North Shvizleton. His expression changes from complacent to nasty]
Shvizelton Neighbor #3: They caught one of those Chickeraffe boys. Got him locked up in jail. Also, my neighbor Phyllis says her fruit loaf is homemade, but it's really store-bought.Shvizelton Cop #1: [catching up to Sam on the tower] I'm sorry, but I really do need to arrest you now. Did you find your friends?
Sam I Am: [heaving a heavy sigh] No. I lost them.
Shvizelton Cop #1: [sympathetically] Oh. [kneels down and hugs Sam] May I arrest you now?
Sam I Am: [has been defeated] Yeah. You're a really good hugger.


=== Rain [1.8] ===
Guy: I told you not to do anything!
E.B.: That's what made me want to do something.[Guy and E.B. are fleeing the giroosters]
E.B.: You must have done something cool in your really long life.
Guy: Not me! My inventions always blow up, your mom hates me, and I'm an aspiring Paint Watcher! [slips, stumbles and continues running] See? They are better than me!
E.B.: You're never gonna impress them with that attitu- [a girooster grabs her from behind] Help!
[The other giroosters stop chasing Guy and head over to E.B.]
Guy: No, here, here! Over here! [the giroosters don't listen] Chew me! Chew me! I'm the least impressive! [the other giroosters snap at E.B., but the one holding her makes it known that she's his alone] Oh-h-h, what gives you the right to judge us anyways? I mean, look at you! [the girooster holding E.B. turns his attention to Guy] You haven't even evolved as a species, and you think you're better than us? [the other giroosters start looking at Guy as well] You still live in a shabby nest made of mud and leaves and, phew, who knows what else. And I mean, you seem to have a... a remedial semblance of a social order, but you're hardly civilized. I mean, have you even developed an alphabet?
[The middle girooster's mohawk flops back into a shaggy mane]
E.B.: Keep doing that!
[The giroosters growl at her to shut up]
Guy: [perplexed] Keep doing what?
E.B.: Whatever that is, keep doing it!
[Guy ponders what E.B. just said. The giroosters, holding E.B.'s arms, close in on her slowly. Finally it dawns on Guy that she wants him to complain more]
Guy: [to the giroosters] Seriously, what have you done with your lives? [the giroosters flanking the one holding E.B. turn away suddenly] I mean, I hear you're decent bubble blowers... But honestly, guys... blowing bubbles is no big whoop. [the giroosters all cringe] I'd treat her nicely if I were you.
[The giroosters cringe further]
E.B.: [to the giroosters] Hi.
Guy: [to the giroosters] She's the smartest kid I know. A wizard of manipulation.
[E.B., flattered by Guy's comment, gives the giroosters a knowing smirk]
Guy: And completely self motivated. All the ingredients for a bright, successful future, if channeled properly.
E.B.: Boom! That was a status bomb, suckers!
[The giroosters let go of E.B.]
Guy: Hand over the beans.Guy: Whatever you do, don't spill the beans to Michellee.
Sam I Am: I thought you said you launched the beans out the ceiling?
Guy: It's an expression.
Sam I Am: [even more confused] 'I launched the beans out the ceiling'. I'm gonna have to learn more expressions.E.B.: They’re not bad people. Can’t we just let them in until it stops raining? They could catch cold.
Michellee: Our bodies are 78% water, Elanabeth. A few more drops won’t hurt.
E.B.: Come on! We were having so much fun back the carnival. Can’t you trust me on this one?
Michellee: I trust you, E.B., but I’ll never trust that Guy again.Guy: I know I’m not your favorite person right now, or the other day at the carnival, or when we involved you in that dangerous train chase. The point is, we won’t be any trouble, and we’ll be out of your fur by morning.
Michellee: I will be keeping my eye on you, Randy.Michellee: Don’t let her out of your sight.
Guy: [chuckles] I’m an aspiring Paint Watcher. These eyes don’t shut.Sam I Am: Yeah, that’s my best friend. Always ready to lend a helping hand or two.
Michellee: Didn’t you guys just meet?
Sam I Am: [jumps on the sofa] And didn’t you guys just meet? Think about it.
Michellee: Um, maybe I’ll go check on him.
Sam I Am: No, stay! Let’s make some dinner.
Michellee: Oh, okay. Wh... What sort of thing you like to eat?
Sam I Am: Excellent question. Green eggs and ham. It’s the dish that cannot mish.
Michellee: I’m vegan.
Sam I Am: Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. How long have you known?
Michellee: No, no, I’m not ill. I just don’t eat things like eggs and ham. But we can make a vegan version of your favorite meal.
Sam I Am: Uh...
Michellee: Come on. How do you know you won’t like it if you never tried it?
Sam I Am: I like the way you think. Let’s give it a whirl!E.B.: I have to find those beans. My mom was starting to trust me, and I don’t wanna mess that up.
Guy: No beans. We need to get back safely. Your mom finally let me in and... Well, I don’t wanna mess that up.
E.B.: Let you in?
Guy: Yeah [stammers] Into the cabin.
E.B.: Wait a minute. You like my mom!
Guy: No. No, I don’t.
E.B.: You do! You totally have a crush on her.
Guy: Fine! Maybe I got a little one, but she hates me. I really need your help here.
E.B.: [scoffs] And you’ve been using me to get in good with her.
Guy: [stammering] It wasn’t even my idea.
E.B.: You are so messed up!
Guy: Please don’t blow this for me.
E.B.: Well, if you want my mom to like you, you have to do what I say. I’m the gatekeeper.
Guy: [sighs] Fine, you’re the gatekeeperMichellee: [stammers] I can’t believe it! A jailbird?
Sam I Am: Okay, I see you’re very focused on guy right now.
Michellee: Yes! He’s in there with my child. A jailbird!
Sam I Am: Quick reminder, Guy got arrested on purpose, just to save me!
Michellee: Jailbird!Michellee: So, you really think I smell like flowers and cupcakes?Guy: Yes I do.
Michellee: That’s sweet. I guess that’s the kind of Guy you are.


=== Goat [1.9] ===
Guy: Stay safe, please.Sam I Am: Did you know he could do that?
Guy: You should see what he does to a hotel room.Sam I Am: Whoo! We are home free. Everyone knows goats can't climb.
Guy: What kind of wildlife expert are you? Goats are known especially for their climbing!
Sam I Am: That is an outdated stereotype, and I prefer not to perpetuate it.Goat: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way, amigo. Now why don't you just tell your little friend to come out, too?
Guy: Afraid he's busy, hombre. Rustlin' up some green eggs and ham.
Goat: [smirking] Mmm, that sounds good! How 'bout we eat 'em together?
Guy: [grimly] No. I will not eat them with a goat.
Goat: [growls] Looks like you chose the hard way.
Guy: Is this the hard way? I know what you’re here for. And it’s yours if... you promise me you’ll stay far away from the two girls who just drove out of here... forever.Michellee: Is this seat taken?
Guy: No, no, uh, not at all. I-I mean, you rented this place, so you’re fully within your rights to sit wherever you.. please.
Michellee: You know, I was just thinking. I mean, if you guys wanted, maybe we could all team up and... uh, go to Meepville together?
[all exclaim]
Guy: Um, are you sure?
Michellee: Well, yes. Of course, it’s a practical decision, and there is, after all, safety in numbers. So, what do you say?
[Sam talking with his mouth full]
Guy: Uh, he said, "We’d love to.”
E.B.: We’re going to Meepville!Michellee: Hey! Are you ready to get this show on the road? Because we’re all packed up over here. We’re just a couple of packin’ fools! [chuckling] We’re wacky packers!
Guy: [sighs] We can’t go with you.
Michellee: What? But... you can’t why?
Guy: It just seems to me that we’d all be safer if we... [inhales] ...if we went to Meepville separately.
Michellee: But I... I thought we agreed. Safety in numbers, am I right? Guy, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.
Guy: I’m sorry, but you two should leave right now.
E.B.: I thought we were all gonna go together.
Sam I Am: Uh, change of plans. The four of us are too much fun for one car.
Michellee: I guess that’s it then.
Guy: Trust me. We’re all just... We’re all just better off on our own.E.B.: Hey, Mom. Do you think we’ll ever see Sam and Guy again?
Michellee: Not if I can help it. We don’t need people like that in our lives, E.B. [E.B. sighs and Michellee sighs] That Guy! Said he wanted us to be safe, but you know what I bet? I bet they’re relaxing somewhere, having a really great time, not a care in the world!Goat: You two think you can defile my wheels and abscond with my cargo? And get away with it?
Guy: That’s our friend. You can-eater!


=== House [1.10] ===
Sam I Am: [realizing Guy is in a sheet tent on a branch of his treehouse] I love a good sheet tent. [makes his way over there with an illuminated pinwheel and a plate of green eggs and ham] Back when I was a kid, I built one with my mom. Yeah, we'd-
[Sam stops talking when he sees Guy sitting with his back turned, clearly upset. Sam sets his things aside, sits down and makes a shadow puppet of Mr. Jenkins in an effort to cheer him up]
Sam I Am: We'd snuggle up tight, and she'd make shadow puppets on the wall.
Guy: [still upset] Sounds like an amazing family.
Sam I Am: Just like yours.
Guy: They're amazing, all right. That's the problem. They're... They're all huge successes, and the only thing I've ever succeeded at... [looks over his shoulder] ... is failure.
Sam I Am: [trying to stay positive] At least you're the best at something, right?
Guy: [annoyed] You heard how they are with me, all the phony flattery. [looks away again] What they really mean is I'm a disappointment. Always have been.
Sam I Am: That's not true.
Guy: You don't have to say that.
Sam I Am: Guy, I mean it. You never disappointed them. They're just a little sad to see you give up, because they know how great and creative you are, and they hate to see you throw that away. [puts a hand on Guy's shoulder] They love you, Guy. Believe me. You're lucky to have them.
Guy: [sighs and pulls away] You don't understand.
Sam I Am: [after a brief silence] I do. [sighs, sadly] I know exactly how lucky you are... because... I never had a family.
Guy: [jerks his head around, shocked] What did you say?
Sam I Am: [guiltily] I made it all up.
Guy: But what about the sheet tent story with your mom?
Sam I Am: [shaking his head] There was never a sheet tent.
Guy: [finally turning around to face Sam] Or the stuffed animals she bought you at the fair, and-and the juice you spilled that you were sorry for, and your imaginary friend, Reggie, who she pretended was real?
Sam I Am: [ashamed] I made him up too.
[Guy stares at him in surprise]
Sam I Am: I never told anybody this before but... when I was very little, my mom... [holds back tears] ...left me at an orphanage. It's always just been me. I mean, at least until I met you.
Guy: [concerned] Do you remember anything about your parents?
Sam I Am: I remember my mom... a little. Just one thing.
Guy: What?
Sam I Am: It's not important.
Guy: Go ahead.
Sam I Am: It's silly.
Guy: [gently] Sam.
Sam I Am: [looking at the green eggs and ham on the plate before him] She made me breakfast.
[Guy's eyes widen in realization]
Guy: I bet hers... were really good.
Sam I Am: [smiling wistfully] The best. Really green. Super eggy. [picks up one of the eggs with his fork; his face falls] I've been trying to find her all these years, so I could ask why, you know? Why she gave me up.
[Guy nods in understanding and Sam chuckles sadly]
Sam I Am: I'm sure it's a good reason. I just... really want to know. So I keep ordering them, and I keep trying them. [eats the egg on his fork. After he swallows, he holds back his tears again] But they're... never hers.
[Guy puts a hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam looks up at him in awe]
Guy: [softly] Keep trying, Sam.
[Sam and Guy exchange warm smiles]
Sam I Am: I will.


=== Boat [1.11] ===
E.B.: I bet he really misses his mom. Don't you think?
[Sam cringes slightly and looks ahead at his lunch]
Sam: I know I would.McWinkle: Ma'am, your son...
Glutz: Your adorable son...
McWinkle: ...is in serious trouble. If you want to help him, tell us where that ferry is going.
Karen: Why would I help you? You're the BADGUYS.
Glutz: Darn right, we are! BADGUY proud!
Karen: Well, then, I'm not telling you anything. You're bad.
Glutz: [confused] I'm sorry. One more time?
Karen: [equally confused] You're... bad?
Glutz: What? Are you kidding me? [laughs] This lady. No, no, no, no, no. [indicates around McWinkle's grey-speckled middle] We're good.
Karen: But you're the BADGUYS.
Glutz: And we are good.
Karen: No! You and that scary fella are the BADGUYS.
Glutz: And we're good! See? [presents the business card to Karen]
Karen: This says "BADGUYS"
Glutz: Exactly. [flips it over to show the writing on the back of the card] It stands for Bureau of Animal Defense Glurfsburg Upper Yipville Section.Guy: So, um... [Michellee groans] Next stop, Meepville, huh?
Michellee: Yes, and I know you don’t want any company on your journey, so I’ll leave you to it.
Guy: Michellee, wait!
Michellee: Wait? I’m sorry, are you saying you want me around? Because the last time I saw you, you said we’d better off going our separate ways.
Guy: I was wrong.
Michellee: I’m not sure you were.
Guy: I was! It was a stupid thing to say, and the only reason I said it was to protect you and E.B. [sighs] But it was dumb, and it hurt you... and for that, I’m deeply sorry.
Michellee: I...
[alarm blares]
Michellee: Huh?
Guy: Huh?
Michellee: Oh!
[Guy exclaims]
Michellee: We’re headed straight for that wall!
[both gasp as the ferry transforms into a submarine and hold on to each other as the submarine submerges]
[Guy and Michellee start laughing when they saw the underwater view]
Guy: Forgive me?
Michellee: I appreciate the apology, but you really hurt me back at the cabin, and... I don’t want to go through that again.E.B.: Oh, wow! You were right all along, Sam. They look weird, and they sound awful, but... Mmm! Green eggs and ham taste great! Come on. You need energy to finish your big mission!Guy: I... I don’t blame you for thinking that it’s easier to be alone. I used to think like that, too. It seemed that the only way to not get hurt or hurt others was to be on my own. Until I met you. I feel safer when we’re together. All I want to do is to be able to give that same feeling to you. I know I haven’t. I mean, I escaped from prison, I impersonated a carny for money, I almost got your daughter killed by a... by a Goat...
Michellee: Don’t list more things.
Guy: [sighs] I’m just asking you to give me one more chance to try.Michellee: Do you have a piece of paper?
Guy: Uh, p-paper? Oh, I’m... I’m sure I have some somewhere. Ah-ha. What for?
Michellee: For this.
Guy: [exhales] It’s beautiful.
Michellee: [giggles] It’s my phone number, dummy, so you can call me.
Guy: [chuckles] I got it. I will.Michellee: Honey, we’re going to Meepville!
E.B.: The city that always meeps.


=== There [1.12] ===
Guy: I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM I AM!
Sam I Am: [desperately] But you could!
Guy: I could not, would not, on a boat! [pounds the offending food with his free hand] I will not, will not, with a goat! I will not eat them in the rain! [hurls the dish at a wall] I will not eat them on a train! I do not like them here or there! I do not like them anywhere! I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them, Sam! I! Am!
[Sam and Mr Jenkins exchange glances]
Sam I Am: So... that's a no?
[Guy yells in frustration]
Sam I Am: Okay. I know you're not happy about the little setback in our relationship.
Guy: We have no relationship! It's not us I'm worried about!
[Guy presents the piece of paper with Michellee's phone number on it]
Sam I Am: I'll tell her you're innocent. She'll believe me.
Guy: Oh, really, Mr. Furry Foot Bandit? Who's she supposed to believe? Hector Jive? Bamboozle McHoaxypants?
Sam I Am: I only use Bamboozle McHoaxypants for hotels.Guy: Why do you have so many aliases?
Sam I Am: Because nobody's... nobody's ever wanted me to stay the same person before.
[Guy glares suspiciously at Sam]
Sam I Am: Nobody's ever stuck around long enough.
Guy: Well, there's a reason nobody's ever stuck around this long, Sam! Believe me, I know! Because I've tried! I've tried you as a friend, and you don't fit! You don't fit anybody! Not even your own mother.Guy: I'm sorry. Wh-whatever you do... please don't hurt me.
[Guy sobs. McWinkle removes his sunglasses and looks at Guy with concern]
McWinkle: Why would we hurt you? We're the good guys.
[Guy abruptly stops crying]
Guy: Huh? Uh... I-I-I thought you were the BADGUYS.
Glutz: We are! But the name is kind of misleading.
[Glutz hands Guy the card. He flips it over to see the words 'Bureau of Animal Defense: Glurfsburg Upper Yipville Section' on the back]
Guy: But... Sam is a wildlife protector, too... isn't he?Sam I Am: When I stole him, he wasn’t Mr. Jenkins yet. I made the deal with Snerz, before I get to know the big fella.
Guy: Snerz is the collector? As in “SnerzCo”?
Sam I Am: Yes. But, the plan now is to reunite Jenkins with his family on Chickeraffe Island!Guy: The collector... is Snerz.[Mcwinkle opens a file full of Sam-I-Am’s wanted posters]
Guy: Huh?
McWinkle: Sam-I-Am. Aka the Furry Foot Bandit. Aka Flim-Flam-I-Am. Aka Sham Shamford. Aka Dr. Linda Schwartz.
Guy: [gasps] No!
McWinkle: Yes. Your pal is a con man, a crook, a world-class heist-uoso.
Guy: No! He can’t be. He’s protecting Mr. Jenkins! He told me that we’re taking him to Meepville to keep him safe. [gasps]
McWinkle: And you actually bought that? Think about it. You two have been attached to the hip for days. Did he really seem like a Wildlife Protector to you?McWinkle: We know the truth. He stole the Chickeraffe to sell to a collector.
Guy: Collector?
McWinkle: Now... My slightly unhinged partner is in the next room with your friend the Goat.
Guy: He’s not my friend! [Mcwinkle slams his fist to the table] Oh!
McWinkle: I’m not interested in your social life!Glutz: So... tell me about your social life. Do you hang out with other goats, or do you like to mix it up?
Goat: Not talking.
Glutz: [blows and sips the coffee] Any hobbies?
Goat: Not talking.
Glutz: Interesting hobby! Do you like board games?
Goat: No.
Glutz: [gasps, throws the coffee at the Goat and throws the mug on the floor] You monster!McWinkle: I have no idea what kind of sick tactics she’s using over there, but this I guarantee: One of you is gonna tell us the name of that collector. The other is gonna be in big trouble in a little cell. Which one do you want to be? Think it over. [starts walking to the door] The freedom of the one-seventeenth of the world’s Chickeraffe population hangs in the balance. So maybe consider that!Michellee: So? What do you think?
E.B.: This is so much better than a roller coaster.
Michellee: This is my favorite spot in the whole world.
E.B.: Oh! They’re all so amazing! [gasps] But this one... Oh, my gosh! This one is the beautifulest!
Michellee: [chuckles] That one’s... mine.
E.B.: Yours? Like, you...
Michellee: Painted it. I... painted it.
E.B.: You? You painted that? [spotted her mother’s signature on the painting] but when?
Michellee: [chuckles] Back when you were very little, your dad and I lived here in Meepville, and this is what I did. I was an artist.
E.B.: Why in the world are you counting beans?
Michellee: Well, when your dad passed away, I wanted to make sure that I could take care of you, keep you safe. I wanted a safe job in a safe place, so... we moved to Glurfsburg.E.B.: I’m sorry.
Michellee: Whatever for?
E.B.: For making you give it up, being an artist.
Michellee: Are you kidding? You’re my greatest work of art.


=== Anywhere [1.13] ===
Guy: I like them! A conclusion I would've eventually come to on my own.
Sam I Am: Mm-hmm.
Guy: [sighs] Thank you for getting me to try them, okay? Thank you, Sam-I-Am.Michellee: I have to get all these animals out of here.
Guy: Let me help.
Michellee: You’ve done more than enough.
E.B.: Mom!
Michellee: And just for the record, I never liked you. I just felt sorry for you.
E.B.: Guy!
Guy: Yeah, well, I feel sorry for you now, because you are making a huge mistake.
E.B.: Hey! Listen! This is not Mr. Jenkins. It’s not even a Chickeraffe. It’s a Girooster!
Michellee: If that's a Girooster, then...
Guy: ...Sam did the right thing.
E.B.: And so did Guy. You don’t really hate him, do you, Mom? Tell him how you feel.Sam I Am: Save yourself! Jump onto that ledge!
Snerz: Never! I’m not going anywhere without that Chickeraffe!
Michellee: I know it’s hard to let go of something you love. But, sometimes you have to do it, even when it’s scary. You can do this. I know it. You can let go.
Snerz: Nope! Gimme that! [struggling] He’s mine! Give me... [E.B. puts the friendship bracelet on Snerz] Huh?
E.B.: This is for your own safety.E.B.: Mom, spill the beans.
Michellee: What? I don’t know.
E.B.: Before she stops singing!
[Gluntz continues singing]
Michellee: I... do like you... a lot.
E.B.: I meant spill the beans.
Michellee: Oh! Oh, I thought you were using it as an expression. Oh, great! Yeah. Now I said that, I don’t even...
Guy: I’m glad you did.Michellee: Oh! There he is.
Guy: Sam!
E.B.: Is Mr. Jenkins...
Sam I Am: Heading home. I would never let anything bad happen to him. But someone didn’t believe me.
Guy: Sam, I am so sorry. You were my friend and I should have believed you.
Sam I Am: Mm-hmm.Guy: The truth is you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.
Sam I Am: I’m the only friend you’ve ever had.
Guy: Yes, but that still makes you the best. [chuckles]
Sam I Am: You know, the only thing that’s ever hurt as much as missing my mom was what you said about her leaving me.
Guy: I know. [sighs] But is there any way you could at least try to forgive me?
Sam I Am: I don’t know.Sam I Am: Guy, what are you doing?
Guy: This is how much I want to be your friend.
Sam I Am: [gasps] Guy! You don’t have to do this.
Guy: I do. I’m not sure they’re gonna be good here, Sam, but I’m gonna try.
Sam I Am: Wait! Guy, don’t be insane! Green eggs and ham are good anywhere.Guy: Say! I like Green Eggs and Ham. I do! I like them, Sam I Am. And I would eat them on a boat, And I would eat them with a goat, And I will eat them in the rain and in the dark and on the train! [laughs with joy] And I will eat them in a box, And I will eat them with the Fox.
Sandra: Michael.
Guy: And I will eat them in a house, And I will eat them with a Mouse. [Sam laughs] And in a car, And in a tree, And I will eat them here and there! Say! I will eat them anywhere!Sam I Am: You can take me in, but let the Chickeraffe go. I’ve done a lot of scams. [chuckles] I mean, a lot. But this last one was for a good reason: to get Mr, Jenkins home. Please. It’s my one last job.
McWinkle: Well, Sam-I-Am... I’ve got three words for you. Start... the... balloon.Goat: Well, well... looks like that flying machine of yours didn’t work, compadre.
Guy: Guess we’ll find out, amigo.Michellee: Guy-Am-I, you are a reckless, dangerous man. [kisses guy] And I love it.
Sam I Am: Oh! I love you, too.Chef: You all right there, buddy?
Guy: Sorry. He.. He just.. He really liked your recipe.
Chef: Oh, yeah. It’s the eggs. I have ‘em shipped in. Nice little farm in East Flubria.
Sam I Am: That must be where my mother is!
Guy: Uh, East Flubria? That’s halfway around the world.
[The door slams open]
Sam I Am: That’s why we should get going!


== Voice cast ==
Adam DeVine as Sam I Am
Michael Douglas as Guy Am I
Diane Keaton as Michellee
Ilana Glazer as E.B.
Eddie Izzard as Hervnick Z. Snerz
Daveed Diggs as Squeaky/Jean
Tracy Morgan as Michael
Jillian Bell as Gluntz
Jeffrey Wright as McWinkle
Dee Bradley Baker as Mr. Jenkins (credited as "Chickeraffe")
John Turturro as Goat
Billy Eichner as Mr. Bigman
Keegan-Michael Key as Narrator


== External links ==