Season 1 2 3 4 5 | MainLeverage (2008–2012) is an American TV series created by John Rogers and Chris Downey. It follows a group of thieves who steal mainly from corrupt corporations to return money to their victims.
=== The Long Way Down Job [4.1] ===
Eliot: Dude, let go.
Hardison: [Hugs Eliot] I'm just so damn cold.
Eliot: I don't care, man.
Hardison: Just please set me on fire. Do something. I;m all shivering, and I think one of my nipples fell off, 'cause the sensations... man.
Eliot: Don't tell me stuff like that!Nate: Okay, Parker listen; you can climb a mountain, right?
Parker: I climb skyscrapers. You can walk up a mountain.
Eliot: It's not the same. Are there avalanches on skyscrapers?
Parker: No, but that would be so cool.Sophie:: Just how dangerous is this gig you took without checking with us first??
Nate:: Yeah, uh...
[Flashback to Boston]
Hardison:: Ridiculously dangerous! It's like a danger cupcake with murder icing. Man, that is 20,000 feet high. Only half the people who try actually make it to the top.
Nate:: But t-t-they figure that Alan Scott died on the way back down, just hours above the base camp here. (uses computer to illustrate)
Hardison:: I'm sorry... died on the way down? That's why black people don't climb nothin'! You know there's like a hundred dead people scattered all over that rock. That's nasty. (pulls up an article about millionaires barely escaping death) These millionaires, man, they go up these mountains just to have fun, and people die trying to drag their ass back down. But, oh, happy day, because the rich guy got saved.Eliot: [to Nate] You're very good at what you do, but you can't con a mountain.Sophie: Nate, I'm at a party full of drunk millionaires far from home who are dizzy from lack of oxygen. It's like grifter Christmas in here.Nate: Let's go steal a mountain.
Parker: Again. We already stole a mountain, two years ago.
Nate: We did?
Eliot: Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.
Hardison: You were also very drunk on that one.Hardison: I'm just saying, I should go up that mountain with you.
Parker: You want to climb?
Parker: A mountain?
(Parker pushes Hardison off a building and he screams the entire way down, stopping upside down. She easily lowers herself next to him and they look at each other)
(another scene of Hardison falling from a building, coming up short upside down. A third scene shows him tangled up in his line)
Parker: And that last one was a 10-foot drop!
Hardison: Okay. Fine. I just think I should keep an eye on you.
Parker: Keep an eye on me?
Hardison: Well, not... you... you and Eliot. It's a dangerous mountain. There could be some polar bears or ill-tempered Eskimos, like...
Parker: This isn't gonna become a thing, is it?
Hardison: W-what? No. Pl... no. No. This is… not. Whatever "this" is.
Parker: Oh. Yeah.
(Hardison holds his arms out for a hug)
Parker: Okay. Okay. (Parker punches him on the shoulder and walks away)
(Eliot hugs Hardison)
Eliot: All right. (walks away) Let's roll.
Nate: What? What are you doing?
Hardison: At least Eliot gave me a hug.[After hearing Sophie conning Drexel]
Karen: She's kind of scary.
Nate: You have no idea.Karen: I'm an experienced climber! I know my husband! I know the routes he would've taken!
Nate: You're emotionally involved. It leads to bad decisions.
Hardison: I'm sorry, did you just say that? With a straight face?
Nate: Not helpful. Not helpful at all.Sophie: I'm running out of cons here.Nate: No, no, no. We can't send another climber on the ridge, no.
Eliot: You sure about that?
Nate: What do you mean?
Eliot: 'Cause I got a footprint. Russian. Spetsnaz.
Parker: [Incredulously] Seriously?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive footprint.Sophie:I'm running the Moscow circus con, and you're the Ivan. Go.
Nate: Okay, I'm kind of dying of altitude sickness here.
Sophie: Well, then, do it quickly.Eliot: I got to take the rigging off of him. We need the rope.
Parker: No! No!
Eliot: It's done.
Parker: This is what we're supposed to do! We're supposed to get him back to his wife! Nate would do it, Sophie would do it, Hardison would do it! They would do the right thing! I want to do the right thing!Eliot: Hey. It's a good thing it was us.
Parker: Because we'd leave him.
Eliot: Because they would've kept trying and they would've froze to death right next to him, especially Hardison. So it was a good thing it was us. The two of us, we do things they can't. Won't.
Parker: Does that make us bad?
Eliot: It makes us... us. Now, you can take that as a gift, or you can take it as a curse. And that's up to you.Eliot: Hardison!
Hardison: Ye... Yes! Ye... wait. Parker. Parker? You there?
Parker: Talking... uses... oxygen.
Hardison: Right. Look, y'all, I just... (wiping eyes) I just want to say that y'all are my peoples, and...
Hardison: You know, I was so scared.
Eliot: Hardison, shut up!Nate: Now let me get this straight. When I said--when I said "simple stall," you heard..."multi-national, high-finance feeding frenzy," right??
Sophie: Tomahto, tomato.Parker:You realize this isn't going to be normal, right?
Hardison: You know, my nana used to say that what's normal is whatever works for you. We all work okay.
Parker: I should meet your nana.
Hardison: Yeah, you should. She's ni... Wait. What? No, I mean, mnh-mnh.
=== The 10 Li'l Grifters Job [4.2] ===
Nate: Okay, okay, it's not what it looks like.
Hammett: Looks like Morris Beck's been murdered. You're left holding the bag for it.
Nate: Maybe it is what it looks like.Hardison: (Singing) I feel like stealin', feel like connin', feel like taking some stuff today!Sophie: It's a gala. That's great. The place is gonna be swarming with guests.
Eliot: Okay, that's fine for you two, but what about the three of us? How do we get in?
Hardison: Uh, excuse you. Do you not know my name? It's nothing to get on that list. I've been to the Oscars every year since I was 15.Parker: I've never been to a costume party.
Sophie: Now that is just heartbreaking.Eliot: [Angrily, over the comm] Why'd you have to dress me up like Howdy Doody?!
Sophie: Actually, Charlie Siringo was a real-life cowboy and a Pinkerton detective.
Eliot: Why couldn't you have picked me something normal, like Hardison?
Hardison: Excuse you? No way in the world I'd have picked Encyclopedia Brown as my....these ugly-ass penny loafers.
Sophie: Hardy Boys. You're the Hardy Boys, and Parker's Nancy Drew.
Eliot: Yeah, well, why did Nate get to pick his own gear?
Sophie: Because he's just a bit more of a whiny baby than the rest of you.Nate: Let's go steal a murder.Beck: Welcome...to this year's gala. Or, as I like to refer to it, "Humiliation 101." [Laughs]Hardison: Nate, we got a problem. This place isn't just off the grid, it's in a whole damn time warp.
Parker: Definitely 1850s. Before the Civil War.
Nate: It's old? That's the problem?
Hardison: It's prehistoric. It's totally analog, all manual. There's a junction box on every damn floor. There's no computers, nothing to crack, nothing to hack. [Lights flicker off and on] And that is on my last nerve.
Nate: Hardison, what's the rule?
Hardison: Don't bring up a problem unless you got a fix.Hardison: I take my gear, attach it to the wiring, see what draws the most power by sending out some pulses. Maybe we can find the main control room.
Nate: Yeah, or anything big, like a state-of-the-art safe filled with blueprints.
Hardison: Either way puts us back in business.
Nate: Well, see? Problem, solution.
Hardison:This place is friggin' ginormous. It's gonna take me a while.
Nate: Then I suggest you get on it.
Hardison: (Muttering) He's always got to be telling somebody what to do. "Get to it." He doesn't even know what a pulse map is.Hardison: Wait, wait. What the hell's going on down there? Nate killed somebody?
Eliot: No, Nate didn't kill somebody. You didn't, did you?
Nate: Of course not.
Parker: You'd tell us, though. Wouldn't you?
Nate: Yes, Parker, I would tell you if I murdered the mark.Eliot: The point is, if we don't solve this murder, you're cooked. You get that?
Nate:Yeah. I get that.
Eliot: Okay. Forget the job. Forget the blueprints. If you didn't kill this guy --
Eliot: If you didn't kill this guy, then you're the only witness. You better solve this murder, Nate.
Eliot: Or you're gonna take the fall.Eliot: This is a bad idea. The way I get information out of guys is usually loud and messy.
Nate: Tonight you're a grifter. Adapt.
Eliot: Yeah, when this is over, me and you are gonna have a little talk.Nate: Try not to assault this one, Eliot.
Eliot: Messy and loud, Nate. I told you. Adapt.Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.
Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.
Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?
=== The 15 Minutes Job [4.3] ===
Eliot: Stop! Stop with the Star Trek stuff again!
Hardison: Wars! Damn it, it's Star Wars. And-and that C.G.I. Yoda they used in the prequels is an insult to the puppet they—Y-you know what, man? It's not even worth discussing.
Eliot: You're the only one discussing it.
Parker: I kind of like C.G.I. Yoda.Hardison: Rockwell's brilliant, he's ruthless. Stone-cold solid. It's a shame we got to take the man down. I'd almost consider making him a part of the team.?
Nate: Yeah, uh, Rockwell has his boot on my friend's throat, Hardison.?
Hardison: I said, "almost."Eliot: This guy's a ghost, Nate. He operates like we do. His clients are by referral, and he stays in the shadows. How we supposed to take this guy down?
Nate: The same way we would destroy me.I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.?
Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."Nate: I can resist the spotlight, by the way.
Sophie: Of course you can. Never see you taking any kind of victory lap after you've pushed us all to the edge, or sticking around to gloat over the bad guy being dragged away.
Nate: Hm. Is that sarcasm?
Sophie: A mild amount.Parker: This guy's not a hero.
Nate: No. He's the only thing better than a hero. He's a mystery.Parker: [on grifting the mark] I think I'm getting better at this
Hardison: I'm cloning Rockwell's cell phone right now. Good work, girl.
Parker: I didn't even stab him!
Hardison: Yeah--W-w-we are so proud of you. Uh...No-stabbing Wednesdays, new tradition.Sophie: [to Nate] He [Rockwell] works from the shadows deciding who to take down, convinced he's making the world a better place, implying a certain moral superiority over his victims. Any of this sound like someone we know?Sophie: Well, the guy we're clearing out was a fireman for 43 years and just donated a kidney to his best friend.
Hardison: We're not gonna hurt him.
Sophie: I'm just saying, it's lucky we don't believe in hell.
Hardison: Nate believes in hell. Shoot, I believe in hell.
Sophie: Oh, yeah.Nate: All right, Hardison, how'd that speech come out?
Hardison: Oh, it's some of my finest work.
Rockwell: What am I supposed to do with this? "You can be a hero, too." Who the hell wrote this crap?
Hardison: Excuse you? Let's see you do better on such short notice. People are just ungrateful.Sophie: Consciously or not, I think you look at Reed Rockwell and see everything you hate about Nathan--
Nate: Any way I can get you not to finish that thought?Nate: It was reckless.
Parker: It was worth it.
Eliot: Yeah, this time.
Parker: (to Hardison) Bet you're starting to like that C.G.I. Yoda a little bit now?
Hardison: Yeah, when he gives back the childhood he stole from me. Why don't you just ask me to join the dark side? Go ahead.Nate: "Well, Nate, winning isn't everything."
Sophie: You know, for a while there you were an honest man. And then for a while you were a thief?
Nate: Yeah, well maybe I'm both?
Sophie: You can't be both. I'm just not sure at this point which one I want to win.
=== The Van Gogh Job [4.4] ===
Eliot: Where are you at?
Hardison: I'm in a damn storage closet. Smells like mothballs and old people.(Eliot begins playing with Hardison’s picture on screen; making it smaller, flipping it upside down and then making his face disappear)
Nate: Or -- but -- not -- no, not -- not a toy.
Eliot: What, man? He's telling me to learn technical stuff all the time.
Nate: Well, that'll never happen.Charlie: I don't have any painting.
Nate: Mr. Lawson, uh, we are not the police.
Charlie: I don't care if you're Vincent Van Gogh himself. I can't help you.(Hardison sneezes)
Nate: What do you got?
Hardison: Oh, probably just my sensitivity to dust mites. It's what happens when you send me to the hall of records a second time.Hardison: You know what, man, if I get out of this job without upper-respiratory issues, it will be a miracle.
Nate: Yeah. (puts a tissue against Hardison’s face)
Hardison: What? Really? This? What -- nasty. Don't know where this has been. (drops tissue)[Flashback]
Lieutenant: Did I send for you, supply?
Charlie: I killed that sniper. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
Lieutenant: McClusky fired the shot. It's in my report.
Charlie: It's a lie.
Lieutenant: You're calling me a liar?
Charlie: Yes, sir, I am.
Lieutenant: This war is almost over. Think about what you're doing right now.
Charlie: Don't you tell me to think, lieutenant. My thinking saved your life! But I won't get the credit because I'm a negro, isn't that right?
Lieutenant: That's right. It's not the policy of the United States Government to hand out medals to negroes. Therefore, private McClusky fired the shot that killed the sniper, making him, and not you, a candidate for the bronze star. That's just the way it is, Charlie. You don't have to like it, but that's the way it is.Sophie: Hello, little hidden key to a safety deposit box.Charlie: And... that was the last time I saw Dorothy Ross.
Parker But the painting, you gave it back to her. I mean, you could have been set for life.
Charlie: Yeah, seems like I read that in a letter before. Didn't work too well for him.
Charlie: Maybe the painting's a curse.
Parker So you didn't come back to town for the painting.
Charlie: I got to France on my own. I even walked the same road as Van Gogh did in the painting. I've had a remarkable life. I came back to this town to see her. And I was just a couple of years too late.
Parker Where do you think the painting is now?
Charlie: Does it matter?Nate: I think The Boston Museum of Art is an excellent choice, Charlie.
Charlie: Hmm. H-how did you figure it out?
Nate: You told me. See, once I knew that Dorothy had the painting, the key to finding it was understanding her.[Flashback]Dorothy's Daughter: My mom played the Wurlitzer at the Roller Palace for 50 years. And anytime someone would try to tear it down, she would fight them tooth and nail.[Hospital Room]Nate: Now, she was loyal. Loyal to this town, loyal to you. She made you a promise. She said that she would keep the Van Gogh safe, and that's exactly what she did...
(people dropping money into a tip jar as Dorothy plays the organ)"
Nate: Watching over it every time she played the organ.
(Dorothy smiles at the Wurlitzer’s pipes. In the bank vault, Dorothy puts money into a safe deposit box)
Nate: She saved her tips all those years, hoping.
Charlie: In case I came back.
Charlie: You know... When I came back here and found out she was gone, I felt cheated. I-I didn't know how she would have felt about seeing me. Now I-I guess I do.
Sophie: You can't possibly know that's the real story.
Nate: No, but it's the best story.Parker Take care of yourself Charlie.
Charlie: That's one thing I've always done...There's one thing I want to tell you. [He glances from Parker to Hardison then back] Don't waste time.
=== The Hot Potato Job [4.5] ===
Nate: What are you doing? Where are you going?
Sophie: Oh, I'm starving. All that talk about tubers.
Nate: Let's, uh, let's get dinner.
Nate: Oh, no, no. I'm not, no. I'm not saying, like, dinner like that, no. Just like a bite to eat, kind of...
Sophie: As colleagues.
Nate: As friends.
Sophie: Oh. A civilized working meal.
Nate: Yeah, as friends.
Sophie: Oh. You said that part.Later
Nate: Oh, damn. (sits up) Oh.
Sophie: Nate. (hands him his shirt) We were being spontaneous, living in the moment.
Nate: Yeah. Yeah, it was, uh, it was a mistake, yeah.
Sophie: It's called… The San Lorenzo.
Nate: Is that what they call it? (puts on shirt) Um, Sophie, I, um…
Nate: I'm sorry. But you know that I don't want a relationship. I really, I-I-I--
Sophie: Of course you don't. Well, the work's the most important thing. (moves to sit at the counter) I mean, the team's perfect the way it is. Why change?
Nate: E-exactly what I was gonna say. Yeah.
Sophie: Hey, we're adults. We enjoy each other's company. You know, we don't have to turn this into a big thing. We're friends with... extras. There's nothing wrong with that... What'd I say?
Nate: Hmm? [The team walks in] (Jana and her men get out of the SUV and approach Hardison, who is dancing with a set of earphones in as he hums to himself, until he sees Jana and the goons)
Hardison: Oh. Hey. Could use a little help, neighbor. Had myself a snafu. Or you could just stand there like bougie city folk, coldhearted, unhelpful.
(Jana motions to one of the goons and gestures toward the nearest bale of hay)
Jana: Get this. (approaches Hardison) You don't look like a farmer.
Hardison: Excuse you? Miss city and sadiddy? Ain't you heard of the urban farming revolution? See, look here. Big business calls food a hormone sandwich with a side of pesticide fries. I'm trying to bring it back. Real chicken. You probably eat just an old butter nugget.Eliot: She gotcha, man, you got a little blood right there.
Hardison: Yeah, she got a right hook like a freight train.
Eliot: She put her hips into it?
Hardison: I'm pretty sure she did.
Eliot: That's my girl!
Hardison: Stop. Don't teach people how to do that!Nate: Isn't anyone mad at Sophie? Hardison, she punched you in the face.
Hardison: Takes a real man to take one for the team.
Eliot: Hey, whatever you need to keep telling yourself.Nate: Burn room?
Hardison: It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.
Parker: Everything burns? I want one.Hardison: [after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now.
Eliot: [sarcastically] Yeah, one good lift in three years. Awesome!(Trevor gets a text message on his phone)
Nate: You're too young for a phone.
Trevor: It's for if I get abducted.
Nate: Yeah, whatever. Okay, so, one of the things that makes, uh, Verd Agra so special is its security. (looks at posted floorplan) Yeah. Right now, we're in the public area. But all the exciting stuff happens on the top floor. Now, you see how it looks like a bull's-eye? You have green, yellow, and red security zones. Red for top secret.
Parker: So, teacher Mike, what if I want to go to the red zone?
Nate: Well, no, teacher Jen. No can do. We-we-we only have visitor badges.
Parker: But, teacher Mike, what if I take someone else's--
Parker: --find someone else's badge?
Nate: Well, that's the tricky part. Teacher Jen, you see, the badges are also trackers. Yes, it's like Lojack for people. So, what happens is, is that the scary security system will know wherever you go. Yep.
Parker: So, we have to fool the security system to get the banana?
Parker: Whatever.Nate: On the other hand, sometimes old school really is the best kind of security, I mean...
Hardison: [whispers to Trevor] No, it's not.
Hardison: I'm listening. [whispers to Trevor] He's old.Parker: So the diamond is in the potato?
Hardison: Par...There is no diamond. VerdAgra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?
Parker: Not really.Nate: What?
Nate: Now, come on. Don't, I can't...
Sophie: What, do this?
Nate: No, I just, it's...
Sophie: You can't do this? Really?
Nate: Well, it's...
Sophie: A former Jesuit seminary student doesn't know if he can handle a casual relationship.
Nate: No, it's...
Sophie: What a shocker.
Nate: No, it's just, I mean, this, um, just... what, what do we, uh, do?
Sophie: I say, dinner.
Nate: Just a, just a bite to eat.
Sophie: As colleagues.
Nate: As friends.
=== The Carnival Job [4.6] ===
Sophie: I mean, that's not greed we're looking at it. It's grief.
Eliot: I thought we were supposed to hate the guys that we take down.?
Nate: Not a requirement, a perk... usually.Eliot: It's got to be pretty cool living next to a carnival, though, huh?
Molly: (scoffs) It's got to be pretty cool being the security guy.
Eliot: Wh-- M-my j--
Molly: Clearly you've never been to one. Every game is rigged.
Eliot: It's rigged.
Molly: It's a waste of time unless you cheat.
Eliot: Well, if you cheat, there's no satisfaction in winning.
Molly: Cheating's the only way to get anything in life.
Eliot: Uh-huh. Aren't you a little bag of sunshine?Eliot: You know, I know a way to beat these, uh, these games you think are rigged.
Eliot: What do you think it is? Hard work.
Molly: (laughs) What, was Rudy on cable last night?
Eliot: ...Yeah.Parker: Are you kidding me? What, you think I wouldn't notice?!
Hardison: Oh, hey! Hey, girl, this thing is hypersensitive.
Parker: I'm hyper-sensitive when people are building robots to replace me!
Hardison: It's not a robot.
Parker: I'm not stupid, Hardison, okay? I know how smart you are and how capable you are of doing things. Parker 2000?
Hardison: No. What, no, see, like, um, okay. Yeah, I used your name, right. But it's not--it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.?
Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]
Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.Eliot: All right. Now, the mistake that most people make is throwing at the balloon, all right? The way these darts are weighted, they don't generate enough energy and momentum to go through the balloon. (throws dart at balloon and it falls to the floor) Boom.
Eliot: No, not rigged, okay? House advantage. But you throw in an arc... (throws dart in an arc, and it pops a balloon) Gravity, that creates enough momentum. You try.
(Molly throws a dart and fails)
Molly: You forgot to mention the need for talent.
Eliot: You go-- No, hard work beats talent every time. You're not putting an arc on it.
Molly: Do you subscribe to some motivational website or something?
Eliot: (hands her a dart) Try again.Parker: I'm not working with her.
Hardison: Parker, it's not gender-specific. Plus, it can open a safe 6.5 times faster than you.
Parker: Ha! (moves to safe and turns the dial) There's no way I'm working with her.
Hardison: I don't... Woman, please just connect it to the safe's wall.
Parker: This is a Glen Reeder model 88-11, last made in 2009. Did she know that?
Hardison: Yes, Parker, because I programmed it.
Parker: I knew you were trying to replace me.
Hardison: Woman, please just connect it to the safe's wall. Ain't nobody replacing you.
Eliot: Come on, Parker.
Hardison: Parker, Connell's gonna catch you.
Parker: (continuing to try and open the safe) Shh!
Hardison: Parker, please!
Parker: Are you talking to me or the new Parker?
Hardison: Maybe I should talk to new Parker. Give her the comm. Give her the comm, Parker. At least she listens. Give her the comm. Girl, if you don't attach that thing to the safe wall --
Eliot: Just do it, Parker!
Parker: Fine. (takes electrodes from Parker 2000 and attaches them to the safe) There's no way she can crack this safe faster than me. (the safe opens) Whoa.[When Molly is kidnapped]
Nate: No, this can't be an abduction. This is K&R. The Russian buys, they want the chip. We are on a reset. Our main objective is the girl. We find her, bring her back safe. We lose the chip if we have to. We burn Connell if we have to. Anyone have a problem, speak now.Nate: Eliot, we're gonna need to know if anyone has left the carnival.
Eliot: Forty seconds from the main entrance. Nate, if I'm engaged...
Nate: Do your worse.Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.
Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit, Hardison! A little warning next time!
Hardison: Well, what you think "run like hell" meant?Hardison: Hey, man, you really should have let us get you to a hospital.
Eliot: I hired a nurse.
Parker: Ah, that-a-boy. A little (punches Eliot’s arm) chicken noodle soup, a little (punches him again) grandmotherly love.
Eliot: (flinches back in pain) Stop.
(A tall blond woman with long hair enters the pub. Eliot gets up to meet her)
Eliot: Hey. How are you? (to Hardison) This is nurse Gail.
Hardison: I don't think she's registered.Nate: How you two doing with your little mini-Parker?
Parker: I can't believe you brought her here, by the way.
Hardison: Okay, you know what, Parker? Look. (puts Parker 2000 on table) You want to know why I made it green?
Hardison: Because your favorite color is green. You want to know why I named her after you? It's because she's based off of you. Parker, that's why I was always asking you, "What are you thinking? How are you feeling?" Everything she knows, she learned off of you. I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I--she's--she's for you.
Parker: I love it. (grabs it)
Parker: Yeah. I'm gonna call her "Hardy."
Hardison: Okay. No. Um, it's "Parker 2000." It says so right there in the fine print.
Parker: It used to be.
Hardison: Okay, no. That's, that's not gonna work. That's –
Parker: Hardy it is.
Hardison: But it's Parker 2000. It's like --
Parker: Yeah, but you said it's mine, so I can name it whatever I want. She shall be called Hardy. (to Parker 2000) You like that name, don't you? (high voice) Yes. Yes.
Hardison: Right, but when I invented it, I registered the name as Parker 2000.
Parker: She likes it. She likes it.
Hardison: Hardy is good. I can make a Hardy.
=== The Grave Danger Job [4.7] ===
Nate: Darlene Wickett and her sons are embezzling money from the dying and grieving. It's the oldest grift in the book.?
Sophie: And the cruelest. Even I never ran that one--it's tacky.Parker: Oh. (looks at plans on monitors) Ooh, Murphy-Beyer, model PRK-11-21. Nice. Okay, she's a horrible human being, but she's got solid taste in home security.Hardison: These dust mites are just gonna eat me alive.
Eliot: (throws blueprints to Nate) That's the blueprints from town hall, and the last time I go into a basement with this guy.Parker: Ew! Just stepped in something squishy. How come I had to go to the embalming room, anyway?
Eliot: It's 'cause Hardison's too scared to get in the body bag.
Hardison: Hey, claustrophobia is a very serious condition. I got a note from my doctor. You want to see it?Eliot: I'm fashionably late to an ex-con's funeral. I'm gonna check the room for a safe.
(Eliot walks in the room to find it full of cops)
Eliot: It's not ex-cons, it's cops. It's a lots of cops. Hardison.
Hardison: I-I-I guess they must have switched the schedule.
Eliot: You guess? I got caught up at the, uh, drug sting down in Dorchester, and I wasn't able to get home and change clothes.
(Eliot crosses himself and one of the officers comes forward to hand him a flask)
Eliot: Hey. Thanks, man. Hardison, when I see you, I'm gonna hit you so hard, your ancestors hurt. (drinks from flask)Parker: Never plan a heist in a building with so many windows.Sophie: Everything all right, Parker?
Parker: I can't stop thinking about the Newtons. Nate said that they had faith that their father was at peace, but it's not enough. How do you do it?
Sophie: Do what?
Parker: How do you… care? You know, when you know that people, people that you like, that, someday, they'll die?
Sophie: You know, Parker, we never really talk about it, but if you lost someone when you were just a child, then you might put up walls to make sure that you never got hurt again. Trust me, this life is not worth living without the people that make us want to tear down those walls. The thrill of vulnerability, the danger of opening your heart, it makes us feel alive.
Parker: I feel alive when I'm jumping off a building.
Sophie: Well, maybe that's why they call it falling in love.Parker: [Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie, he's losing it. He needs you.
Sophie: Parker, listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air ducts. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.
Hardison: Parker? Parker?
Parker: Hardison? Hardison. Okay, Hardison, I need you to calm down. Listen to me. Okay, take a deep breath in.(Hardison takes a deep breath) Okay, good. Now let it out.(Hardison lets the breath out as tears leak from his eyes) Okay, c-come on. Come on. You got to do this with me, okay? Okay, here we go. Let's do this together, okay? Deep breath in. (Parker takes a deep breath in, and Hardison copies)
Hardison: Good. Okay, good.
Parker: There you go.
Hardison: Parker, don't, don't get off the phone. Please, I-I don't want to be alone again.
Parker: I'm not getting off this phone until we get you out of there, okay?Javier: Where the hell did you get that car?
Nate: It's a rental.
Javier: How did you find us?
Nate: You leave the rest of your guys at the drop, waiting to kill me?
Javier: I want my documents.
Nate: (moves his jacket to show the envelope) I want my colleague.
(Goon pulls a small machine gun and points it at Nate)
Nate: Oh, hmm. Eliot.
Javier: What the hell's an Eliot?Parker: Hardison, if you can hear me, take a deep breath, as deep as you can, and hold it. (Hardison takes a deep breath and puts his hand over his mouth) I know you can do this. Hardison. Hardison! You have to make it through this... Because... Because you're my friend, and I need you. Do you hear me, Alec? I need you!Hardison: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.
Nate: Is that really necessary?
Hardison: The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.
Nate: That's true.(Parker is sitting on the bar holding the compass from the casket when Hardison walks into the room, leaning against the bar next to her)
Hardison: I-I never would have made it through that without you. You know that, right, Parker?
Parker: Oh, that's not true. Anyone can learn to hold their breath.
(Hardison leans in and gives her a lingering kiss to the cheek)
Hardison: Thanks for not hanging up the phone.
=== The Boiler Room Job [4.8] ===
Sheila: Now I think con men or grifters, whatever they're called, are the worst people in the world.
Sophie: I wouldn't necessarily say that this guy was a grifter. I mean, it sounds like he's more like a common criminal.
Sheila: Well, what's the difference?
Sophie: A con, or a grift, when it's performed properly, it combines elegance and style with a, with a classical imitation of legitimate enterprise, parody--
Nate: (clears throat and puts his hand on Sophie’s leg) What she's trying to say is that it's not your fault.Eliot: Where's--are we waiting on Parker??
Hardison: Oh, man, she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.?Parker: [over the comms] Hi, Hardison!?
Hardison: Um... hello??
Parker: Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.?
Nate: Parker, not now. Please?
Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...
Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.[Sophie has just wowed the team--and the mark--with her performance as The Chocolate Whisperer]
Hardison: [disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?
Nate: That's my girl.
Hardison: She's scary.FBI Agent: Greg Sherman, aka....what is it again?
[The civilians start yelling out random fish.]
Parker: Crappie? Blowfish?
Sophie: Gefilte Fish.[As he's being arrested]
Sherman: Wait a minute. Who are all these people? They're not shills.
Nate: Oh, these people? They are your victims. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Wang. You stole $68,000 from Mr. Wang's father. It was all the money he had. You stole from every single person in this room. Every single one of them is a victim.FBI Agent: Are you Special Agent Hagen?
FBI Agent: Agent McSweeten sends his best. And he also sends a...haiku.
Parker: That's so nice. Say "hi" back.[At seeing two of the victims dancing together]
Hardison: That is at the same time beautiful and very disturbing.
=== The Cross My Heart Job [4.9] ===
[The team is discussing what to do after someone steals a donor heart being transported by their new client]
Parker: Can't we just get another heart?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] From who?Eliot: You carry high heels in your purse?
Sophie: I always travel with heels.Eliot: Don't suppose you travel with handcuffs?
Sophie: No, not on this trip.Sophie: Hey, you all right with this one?
Sophie: Well, you said it yourself—-a kid's life is at stake. You don't think this might get too personal?
Nate: Does it matter?Hardison: Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.
Eliot: Damascus, 2002.
Hardison: Like you've been to Damascus.Nate: [on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna twist Sophie's ankle.
Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?
Hardison: What? No, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.
Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...
Parker: Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!Parker: [sarcastically, after opening the combination lock on a locker] Yeah, this will keep my stuff safe, pff, from a 6-year-old with DTs.
[opens the locker, takes out a jacket and removes the badge while Eliot smashes a lock open with the palm of his hand, removes a second badge from the locker]Hardison: It's a girl's badge--
Eliot: Man up!Sophie: You just told the mark we're after him.
Nate: No, no. He knew we were on to him as soon as we grounded his plane.
Sophie: You gave him your name!
Nate: I want him to know my name.Hardison: You better readjust your peripherals!Hardison: [after faking his way into the flight tower] I don't care what anybody else says, next time I'm taking the train.Nate: I know what you're gonna say.
Sophie: I think you should have a drink.
Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.Nate [over the radio]: Hardison, uh, we need a tornado.
Hardison: A what?Chesney: You know, you have a strange sense of humor, Mr. Ford. Why are you toying with me, with my heart?
Nate: Well, it's not your heart now, is it?
Chesney: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Nate: Well, I don't have much use for the law, and you don't have much time.Chesney: This is my only chance. I've planned for months. I have eight backup contingencies. I'm fighting for my life, Mr. Ford! What are you fighting for?
Nate: I am fighting for that 15-year-old boy that you're going to kill.
Chesney: [Scoffs] God helps those who help themselves.
Nate: And I help people who can't. And God help you if anything should happen to that boy, because if he spends more than one second longer in that hospital than he needs to, I will make it my mission in life to end you. I will ruin you. I will ruin your name. I will ruin your company. I will bring down everything you have ever touched. And when I am done, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you myself.Hardison: No. No, look, I said no. It's...not a good time. We have a tornado warning. Hello.
Captain: Tower, we need that vector.
Hardison: No. No. Look. Tell the people to parachute down. I don't care. Do something. But you cannot land that plane!
Captain: Tower, we're at min fuel. We do not have time to mess around. I've got 345 people up here. This is my bird. I'm the captain, and I'm landing over your objections.
Hardison: You can do that?Hardison: [to himself] It's just landing a plane with 300 people, it's whatever. Why didn't I play more flight simulators?Chesney: Well, Mr. Ford, it seems you've killed me after all.
Nate: Oh, I didn't kill you. God killed you. I just made sure it took.
=== The Queen's Gambit Job [4.10] ===
Nate: You still haven't told me what's in it for me.
Sterling: I will owe you a favor. How often does that happen?Nate: [over comms] Eliot, try not to kill Sterling, we may need him.
Eliot: [looks indignant] I can't promise that!
Sterling: [glances at Eliot] What was that?Hardison: This thing is like the nuclear equivalent of the One Ring.
Sophie: Ring? What ring?
Nate: Oh, please. Don't get him started.Nate: We know what security system is protecting the weight, so all we got to do is hack into it.
Hardison: Okay, let's get one thing clear here. What you say "we," you really mean me. And what do you mean, "just hack into it," Nate? I don't know what this thing is. Never seen it before in my life. How am I supposed to hack it?
Nate: That's a very good question, Hardison. I'm sure you'll have it figured out by tomorrow. Good luck. [Leaves the room]
Sterling: Some things just never change. [Sophie and Hardison glare at him] Is it time for me to go, too?[As she trying out the weighed boots]
Parker: It's like I'm the human Hulk. Parker smash! [Hits the table]Nate: Oh, I was just saying I think you're taking some unnecessary risks.
Olivia: If I were afraid of a little danger, I would play checkers.Nate: Well, you must be afraid of something.
Olivia: Spider. Poisoned prawns. Carbs. But you want to know what I'm not afraid of?
Olivia: Being afraid. [Nate chuckles] You like that? I stole it from my dad.Hardison: Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.
Parker: Uh huh.
Hardison: Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?
Parker: Uh huh.Parker: Where's Nate?
Sophie: Playing chess.
Sophie: Always.Nate: Why'd you come to me?
Sterling: 'Cause you're the best thief I've ever seen. I couldn't risk anything less.Sophie: So, what, the salt was plan B?
Nate: No, no, that's, ah, that's plan M.
Hardison: Don't I die in plan M?
Nate: Yeah, usually.
Hardison: What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?
Nate: C, F, and M through Q.
Hardison: C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?
Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. There is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth--
Parker: Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!
Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.
Nate: Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.
Sophie: Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.
=== The Experimental Job [4.11] ===
Hardison: Until recently, they held these experiments in, like, a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.
Nate: You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?Nate: Ever been quail hunting, Hardison?
Hardison: Do I look like I go quail hunting?
Eliot: Let me ask him something. You ever played a video game where you go quail hunting?
Nate: You see, the birds, understandably, they don't like to be shot-
Parker: So they hide in the bushes. When you hunt, you have to beat the bushes with a stick. That way, you scare the birds into the sky, and there's a man waiting there with a gun and good aim, and he... [makes a gun cocking sound] ...picks them off.
Hardison: That is seriously messed up. Why would y'all tell me something like that? [to Parker] Why do you know that?[As they are watching Travis Zilgram in a field]
Nate: Kid's making me nervous.
Hardison: He's not doing anything.
Nate: Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.
Hardison: He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?
Nate: How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?
Hardison: Ah, now I'm nervous.Grizzled POW: [Showing his tattoo] Semper Fi. You know what it means? In English? Most people don't.
Eliot: It means "always faithful."
Grizzled POW: That's the promise a Marine makes to his country. They don't tell you it only goes one way.
Eliot: If this country was known for keeping its promises, we wouldn't need Marines, would we?
Grizzled POW: [Laughs] You got that right, brother!Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? Their eyes? You want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn't? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things? Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I don't live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?
Hardison: They're not pretend. They're just not in the same room as me.
Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?
Hardison: [smiles] I think so
Parker: That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?
Hardison: You're right. That was pretty cool.
Parker: Yeah [kisses his cheek and walks away]
Sophie [over comms]: That actually worked?
Hardison: No, but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?
Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.
CIA Man: What theory?!
Elliot: That torture doesn't work.
=== The Office Job [4.12] ===
Gunther: Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?
Nate: Uh, excuse me?
Gunther: Do you have any outside interests? Do you do ever do anything but than this?
Nate: Of course I do. I... Why does this even matter? This is so...
Gunther: Well, your coworker suggested I ask.
Nate: She did. You know what you should ask her?
Sophie: [spluttering] I'm--could--could you repeat--
Nate: "Career," heh.
Sophie: No, I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled, I just...I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
Gunther: But he implied it might have something to do with ageism.
Nate: Functioning alcoholic! Functioning! She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving...
Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to gad about, I just...I faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.
Nate: [laughs] God complex...What does that even mean?
Sophie: Shrew? Shrew?! Shrew?!
Nate: Now that, that right there, that's a lie. I love foreplay.[After being seen tackling Doug]:
Eliot: He copped to stealing office supplies. Three cases of sticky notes.Eliot: Nobody throws Hardison off a roof... except maybe me... no. [considers]
=== The Girls Night Out Job [4.13] ===
Hardison: Hey, and it is a valid strategy.
Eliot: It’s not strategy, man, it’s just annoying when you bet every hand.Nate: No, no, no, this. No, no, guys.
Sophie: Oh, come on. Your father had a poker game for 30 years. Police, criminals at the same table. This is good for you.
Nate: (laughs) Yeah, yes, I want to be like my father. Good insight, Sophie.Eliot: Living in your own head, Nate, the only conversation you have is with your crew, that ain’t right.
Hardison: Yeah, name one person you can have a conversation with who isn’t on this team.
All: And don’t say Maggie.
Eliot: Look, I got my friends, my buddies from the service. I mean, hell, even Hardison’s got his little… internet friends, even though they’re all elves and gnomes --
Hardison: They’re orcs, I said orcs, man, you just don’t listen.Parker: You remember Peggy from that jury duty job? Technically, she’s Alice’s friend, but --
Hardison, Eliot and Sophie: You’re Alice.
Nate: You’re Alice, actually.
Parker: She moved here from Boston last year so we've been doing brunch and other normal people stuff.
Sophie: And we're very proud of you.
Parker: Well, brunch isn't hard. I mean, there are forks.Parker: You know that thing you do when you fix whatever I'm doing wrong?
Sophie: You mean advice?
Parker: Umm hmm.
Parker: Wait, you haven't fixed me yet!Parker: I just uploaded some photos to my sky drive. Can you run that face thing that tells you if people are bad?
Hardison: You mean the one that took me six knockdown, drag-out months to hack?
Hardison: Girl, I’m trying to prove my manhood with my boys. You know what I’m saying? With my boys.
Hardison: H-hang on.
Eliot: Hardison, you in or out?
Hardison: What? (pulls up Parker’s SkyDrive on his laptop and runs facial recognition software) Oh, oh, okay. Parker, Craig Mattingly. He’s wanted for burglary and grand larceny in a whole bunch of countries. He is trouble. And he he’s got some strikingly good features, squared-up jaw and everything. P-Parker, what are you doing with this guy?
Parker: Thanks. You’re the best.
Hardison: Wait. Parker, wait. I –Tara: (holds up a badge) Secret service alias. I’m here to protect high-level dignitaries. I’ll bring you in as my deputy.
Sophie: You’re serious? I don’t think so.
Tara: Suit yourself.
(Tara moves to the doorman and shows him her badge)
Doorman: Thank you, special agent.
(Sophie moves up next to an older man in line and puts her arm around his shoulders)
Sophie: Agency sent me.
Tara: Russian escort? So three years ago.
(Two seconds later... Sophie and Russian are standing near the bar)
Sophie: Hey, you want I call Yuri from downstairs? He was Golden Glove boxer. Now go! Go!
(Russian walks away. Tara joins Sophie)
Tara: Why so harsh?Tara: So much for a night of unbridled debauchery.
Sophie: Oh, boo-hoo. Just last Wednesday, you were sipping champagne on a G4 with a racing car driver.
Tara: Yes, who thinks I'm heir to the Pillsbury fortune. Any guess how long that'll last?
Sophie: Whatever happened to the nice chef in Lyon with the fabulous silver hair?
Tara: Oh, no. He thinks I'm a professional golfer, or banker, I keep forgetting. I got so many lies, I have to store them on my phone.
Sophie: The lament of the grifter. Who really knows us?Sophie: Oooh, Diplomatic ID. Very handy for getting out of parking tickets[Sophie and Tara developing a plan to switch briefcases in the middle of a crowded party.]
Tara: You start a fire in the kitchen, I grab the briefcase, we use the crowd for cover.
Sophie: I was thinking of something a little less...trample-y?Sophie: How do we disarm it?
Tara: You're asking me?
Sophie: You were in the Army.
Tara: You stole paintings. That doesn't mean you know how to draw.[Hardison is being chased by some very angry dogs when Sophie calls]
Hardison: What? I'm busy!
Sophie: Look, I just sent you a picture.
Hardison: Oh, let me guess, it's a picture of another handsome dude. [looks] Okay, it's a bomb! Umm. whooo...
Sophie: Yes, it's a bomb. Now just stop playing with that dog and help us!.Peggy: Alice, yeah, it’s okay. You were just looking out for me. And now I know your secret.
Parker: You do?
Peggy: Yeah. (whispers) You’re a spy.
Parker: Mm. That’s right. I am a spy.
Sophie: What a relief.
Parker: Whew. And that is why I cannot tell you anything else about what I do.
Sophie: Mnh-mnh. National security.
Peggy: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I get it.Sophie: Listen, Parker. I wanted to apologize about giving you the cold shoulder about Hardison earlier.
Parker: Oh, that’s okay. I think I figured it out.
Sophie: You did?
Parker: Yeah. I mean, I was worried at first, ‘cause Hardison and I are different, the stuff we like. But I just spent all night with Mattingly, a guy who likes all the same stuff I do. And you know what? It would have been more fun with Hardison. So I guess the same is boring.
=== The Boys Night Out Job [4.14] ===
Bonnano: So, what kind of work you in, Shelly?
Shelly: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Bonanno: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Eliot: Yeah, he really would.Eliot: Yeah, he went to jail, then escaped.
Shelly: Shouldn't that bug you?
Bonnano: You get used to it.[Two thugs chasing Hurley and Nate]
Thug 1: The church! They're in the church.
Thug 2: I'm not just busting into a church to kill two men.
Thug 1: What if they're in the church basement? If they're in the church basement then we can kill 'em.
Thug 2: So you're implying that the church is holy, but the church basement isn't?
Thug 1: You don't say Mass in the basement. The church basement is not holy ground.
Thug 2: So what, it goes: Holy ground, uuumm, the basement, holy ground?
Thug 1: The Boy Scouts meet in the basement and they're not a religious group.
Thug 2: A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Reverent is there at the end because it is, if not a faith-based organization, not entirely secular!
Thug 1: How do you know the Boy Scout oath?
Thug 2: We all had dreams once.[While searching for Hurley's hotel room, Eliot offers Hardison relationship advice]
Eliott: This about the guy that Parker took the picture with?
Hardison: Yes, it's about the guy that Parker took the picture with. Who goes to a cocktail lounge in a tuxedo -- who do you think he is?
Eliott: I don't know, man. I mean, what do you want me to do?
Hardison: He's not even her type, did you see him? She likes chocolate, you know she likes chocolate. You saw her at the Chocolate Festival, she was eating chocolate! Gettin' it!
Eliott: Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from "Witch of Warcraft" and take care of…
Hardison: I'm 'bout sick of you and all my games, it makes…
[Hardison starts to open the door to Hurley's room]
Eliott: Hang on…
Eliott: Why's it dark?
Hardison: I don't know.
[Gunshots fire from inside the room] Hardison: Hey, we beat up some dancers.
Eliot: Those were Mexicans.
Hardison: “A night of tango celebrating the culture of Venezuelans.”
Eliot: The first two guys were Mexicans.
Hardison: They’re Venezuelans.
Eliot: Twinkle-toes back here knows a little more than how to do the tango, all right? They aren’t dancers.
Hardison: We messed up they whole career -- all screwed up. Let’s just check the room.Nate: So the local branch of the cartel is gonna take delivery of the drugs and kill Hurley to cover their tracks.
Hurley: What do the Irish want?
Nate They want to steal the delivery and kill you to send a message.
Hurley: That's a lot of killing me in thereShelly: They're not coming back with that pizza, are they?
Bonnano: You get used to it.Eliot: All right, this bar is the last address, man. Maybe I should handle this one by myself.
Hardison: So, what, you don’t need me, either, now? You don’t need me?
Eliott: Listen to me, okay? So Parker’s out with a handsome guy, okay? And he’s also a thief and also does cool thief “stuff,” and you’re the computer geek, dude --
Hardison: Is -- is that your pep talk? Are you kidding? Wh-what the hell’s going on? Really?
Eliott: It’s a little rough, but the fact --
Hardison: It’s a little rough? A little rough? As a friend you’re dead to me. Please, do go on. What are you trying to say? I’m not exciting? What is it?
Eliott: That’s not what I’m saying. If I said that, then that means I would be thinking about you and Parker, which I never do.
Hardison: Than say what you need to say. What are you saying?
Eliott: Maybe you’re slow-playing it just a, just a little bit.
Hardison: I’m slow-playing?
Eliott: You know what I’m sayin’.
Hardison: Like, I need to be more assertive or something?
Eliott: Assertive is good.
Hardison: More assertive?
Eliott: Yeah, focus.
Hardison: Like the definitive Dexter’s dictionary definition of -- All right, cool. That’s all I need. That’s all I need.
Eliott: Come on.
Hardison: You know what? I got this.Hurley: Nate, I know I'm not your friend, but I want you to know, you are my friend.
Nate: Thanks.Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?
=== The Lonely Hearts Job [4.15] ===
Nate: Go ahead, say it. Go ahead.
Sophie: I-I’m just saying--
Nate: Saying what?
Sophie: --he loves her.
Nate: Oh, come on. Men like that treat people like possessions. You should know that.
Sophie: Oh, just because he’s rich doesn’t mean he’s heartless.
Nate: Of all people, you’re actually --
Sophie: He was wrecked. You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.
(Eliot walks up, laughing)
Nate: Oh, really?
Sophie: And you’re one to laugh. You don’t even bother to learn their names. They’re just waitress, nurse, stewardess.
Eliot: First of all, it’s flight attendant, all right? They don’t like being called stewardess. And, second, I know their names.
Parker (walks in): You guys having a three-way?
Parker: Three-way fight?Parker: It's, like, an assembly line of grift.Parker: Ooh, sparkly.
Nate: Parker, no burgling.
Parker: But these jewels are just asking to be taken.Eliot: Want me to teach you about the wines again?
Hardison: That's just hurtful. Just...just making assumptions and presumptions that I don't know what I'm-- Yes, I need you to teach me about the wines again, yes.Hardison: They were married less than a month later.
Sophie: See, love at first sight.
Eliot: Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.Eliot: Come on. Fisticuffs? Really?Parker: Let's go steal a sweetheart.
Eliot: [shakes head]
Parker: A widow?
Parker: A spider? A spider.[Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap]
Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.Latimer: In my dealings, I've discovered an innocent who's been wronged. An engineer's invention was stolen by a corporation. If you and your team acquire the patent, you can prove the company owes him millions.
Nate: [scoffs] You make a few investments ahead of time, bet against our opponents.
Latimer: A finder's fee. You punish. I profit.
=== The Gold Job [4.16] ===
Hardison: This is my shot. This time I run the con.
Nate: Oh, no.
Hardison: Oh, yes
Nate: Oh, boy.Hardison: If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.
Eliot: So you knew it was empty. Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team, 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body!Hardison: Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.
Parker: It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...Hardison: And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."
Eliot: You kidding me with that one?
[Hardison shows him the animation punching]
Eliot: All right, that's pretty good.Nate: It's all on you, Hardison.
Hardison: How am I gonna do this?
Nate: You're the puppet master. Pull your strings.Nate: You never count on the perfect plan. The perfect plan, it has too many moving parts, and it's... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail. I mean, that's what I do.
Hardison: Then what do you count on?
Nate: I count on the simplest and ugliest plan, not plan "A," no, but, like, plan "G," for example. I start with plan "G." Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan that I know is going to work if everything goes bad.
=== The Radio Job [4.17] ===
Sophie: [to Nate] This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.Sophie: Off to the US Patent Office, then. Let's go steal a--
Parker: Let's go steal a time machine.
Eliot: No, you don't steal--
Parker: I'm gonna steal the time machine.Nate: Right now, I have to get inside that building.
Hardison: What's your plan?
Nate: Well, I'm gonna pull the fire alarm, then go in as my arson-investigator alias.
Eliot: Frank Petrino? The arson investigator with the limp?
Nate: I didn't say it was a great plan.Sophie: Him? [Jimmy] You came to rescue him?
Parker: You said never again. I remember.
Hardison: Although he does provide a window into your distant and withholding management style. I'm just sayin'.Nate: All right, so Sophie says the FBI has 20 men on the north side, 15 on the south, 22 on the east, and 16 on the west.
Parker: She can see all that?
Nate: Well, you know, you steal paintings for a living, you learn how to count security.Hardison: Hello and welcome to the Island of Misfit Inventions.Parker: It might be easier if he's asleep.
Eliot: You want me to put him to sleep?
Hardison: HEY! I'm standing RIGHT HERE.Hardison: Why y'all always pushing me off of stuff? Don't I get a vote! I vote NO!Parker: Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.
Hardison: Yeah, I get it. It's like the game Operation and I'm the tweezers.Eliot: Yippee-ki-yay, mother--
Jimmy: Found it!
=== The Last Dam Job [4.18] ===
Nate: Do you remember when I said to you, next time we would meet, that I wouldn't be so nice?
Nate: Okay. Welcome to the next time.[Upon seeing the apartment in a mess.]
Hardison: He upped the crazy. I didn't think he could do that.Cha0s: I want my usual fee plus expense, and Parker dresses up as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.
Hardison: Hey, it's not happening!
Cha0s: I'll also accept Sophie as Counselor Troi. We'll negotiate on the flight.
Hardison: So wrong on so many levels.Hardison: [upon entering the old subway tunnels where the team has set up shop] YOU GOT ME A BATCAVE? [jumping around excitedly] A BATCAVE!
Nate: No, I did not.
Cha0s: Yeah, this is totally a Batcave. Okay, you guys suck a little less now.Quinn: [about the portrait of "Old Nate"] What the hell is this?
Eliot: Don't ask.[Hardison and Chaos finish explaining something technical]
Quinn: Can I hit him?
Eliot: Which one?
Quinn: Either one.
Eliot [turning to Sophie]: See, it's not just me.Cha0s: Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.
Archie Leach: [shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts. The other extends a six-inch stiletto blade.
Cha0s: Which one is [gulps] is this?
Archie Leach: I can't seem to remember. I am super old.
Cha0s: What is with this 'sir'? Are you picking her up for the prom? 'Cause Parker in a prom dre--AAAAAAH!
Archie: [who has just zapped Cha0s with his cane] Hmm, I guess it was the taser.
Parker: I love tasers.Eliot: How long before video nails us?
Hardison: Facial recognition software takes about seven minutes to tag us, give or take.
[Alarm blares on]
Eliot: Seven min-- Damn it, Hardison!
Hardison: What part of "give or take" do you clearly not understand?Eliot: [Over the comm] You better be ready, Quinn.
Cha0s: I bet you were born ready, right? Come on, dude. I know you want to say it. [With a graveled voice] "I was born ready."
Quinn: I don't know how Eliot does this.Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.
Nate: My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.
Victor Dubenich: Yes...right.
Nate: [points the gun at him] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.Nate: I have plans...oh so many plans.Sophie: I don't have a lot of rules in this world. Three, actually: Don't count the money until after the con, know when to walk away from the con.
Nate: The Gambler? You're basing your life philosophy on a Kenny Rogers song?Latimer: You made it impossible for Hardison to hack us with a computer so he hacks us with a clam?Cha0s: They are ready for your kung fu. They are completely unprepared for my drunken mastery.Hardison [when Cha0s proves him wrong]: Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.Nate: My wife? You recruited my wife as your backup?
Sophie: Ex! He never says ex-wife.
Maggie: I always do.Dubenich: You underestimate me.
Sophie: Last time I underestimated you I was right.Quinn: Next time give me the gun. I'll be your Huckleberry.
Eliot: I love that movie.
Quinn: Who the hell doesn't?Latimer: You don't want to kill me. It was him. He blackmailed me into helping him.
Latimer: You let me go, I'll make it up to you, I swear.
Nate: Oh, you're saying kill Dubenich and let you go?
Latimer: Yes. Yes.
Nate: Hang it on him?
Nate: Oh, yes, ex-con with fraud convictions, make him the fall guy. You get a bunch of lawyers and start over. I see how that could all work out for you. It's pretty perfect, because with Dubenich dead, there'd be nobody to contradict your story, right? So all your problems would be solved.
Dubenich: That's right! You kill me, he starts over! He's the CEO of a powerful company. He could do a lot of harm to a lot of people. Nate. He sent your father into the warehouse.
[Nate turns the gun on Latimer]
Nate: So kill Latimer and let you go? Yeah, well, that way, I mean, there would be no one to tie you to the illegal trades. And, I mean, you're smart. You'd find the cash and the diamonds that he hid. So with Latimer dead, you'd go free. But the problem that I'm having with all of this is if only one of you dies, the other will go free! I got five bullets! Who would like to go first?Sophie: Well, that was a spectacularly awful plan.
Nate: Lucky you showed up then.Nate: Hey. Let's go break the law.
Sophie: Mm. Just one more time?
Nate: Oh, a few more times.