Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | MainCurb Your Enthusiasm (2000-present) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.
=== Funkhouser's Crazy Sister [7.1] ===
Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.Larry: You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!Larry: Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.
=== Vehicular Fellatio [7.2] ===
Larry: I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?Larry: You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.Larry: We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.
=== The Reunion [7.3] ===
Larry: Remember I was sitting here yesterday?
Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?
Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.
Larry: You don't do what?
Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.
Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?
Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.
Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?
Larry: Was his healthier?
Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?
Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..
Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.
Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.
Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?
[waiter scratches his face]
Larry: Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?
Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.
Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.
[waiter tugs on his tie]
Larry: Oh, my fucking..fuck!
=== The Hot Towel [7.4] ===
Larry: I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.
Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.
Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.
=== Denise Handicapped [7.5] ===
Larry: [in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?
Larry: Well, she's Chinese.
John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor.
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."[Ted Danson orders Larry and Denise a slice of pie at a restaurant]
Ted: You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.
Larry: Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.
Ted: Just have one bite. Come on.
Larry: I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.
Ted: You're making me look like an asshole.
Larry: I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.
Ted: Just have one little bite for my sake, please.
Larry: I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.
Ted: Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!
Larry: I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?
Ted: Have a bite of the pie!
Waiter: [starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..
Larry: I don't want the pie! Thank you.
Ted: No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.
Larry: No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.
Ted: Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.
Larry: I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!
Ted: Put that fucking pie down!
Larry: Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!Susan: Jeff, let's take a walk.
Jeff: Eh, I'm comfortable.
Susan: Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.
Jeff: Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.
Jeff: No, I'm fine.
Susan: Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!Leon: Denise called.
Larry: What'd she say?
Leon: Give her a call.
Larry: She leave her number?
Larry: Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.
Leon: Call information.
Larry: I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".
Leon: I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..
=== The Bare Midriff [7.6] ===
=== The Black Swan [7.7] ===
Larry: Fruit's good.
Larry: Delicious, isn't it?
Marty: How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
Andy: Yes, let's get out of here.
Larry: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Marty: I want to get out of here now.
Larry: Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Marty: Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Larry: Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
Marty: How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Larry: Keep your fucking voice down!
Marty: You killed a swan!
Larry: [raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!Andy: Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.
Marty: Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.
Larry: Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.
Andy: I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?
Larry: You could have fruit twice in one day.
Andy: No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.
Larry: They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!
=== Officer Krupke [7.8] ===
Larry: I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.
=== The Table Read [7.9] ===
Jerry: You surprised me. I had no idea it would be that revolting.
=== Seinfeld [7.10] ===
Mocha Joe: Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.
Larry: You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.
Mocha Joe: So you didn't get the beans?
Larry: No. I didn't get the beans.
Mocha Joe: So you didn't do me the favor?
Larry: I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?
Mocha Joe: No. An attempt is not a favor.
Larry: What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.
Jerry: What did you come back with, though?
Larry: The store was closed.
Jerry: Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.
Mocha Joe: Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?
Jerry: Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.
Larry: I know.
Jerry: You have jumper cables. What does he got?
Mocha Joe: Exactly.
Jerry: He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.
Mocha Joe: Thank you, Jerry.
Jerry: You're welcome, Mocha Joe.
Larry: Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.
Jerry: Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.
Larry: Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!
Mocha Joe: F for favor!
Jerry: C for coffee!Waverly: So "Duberstein" - that's a Jewish name, right? - Yes, it is.
Leon: I was adopted by some lovely Jews.
Waverly: - And you were bar mitzvahed? - Oh, yeah yeah.
Leon: Three times.
Leon: The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.
Waverly: But I thought you only got bar mitzvahed once. You know, when you're 13 years old?
Leon: - No no no no, you misunderstood.
Waverly: - What?
Leon: It's once every 13 years, you know.
Leon: You got to recharge the mitzvah, so you always keep your mitzvah kind of full, at capacity.
Leon: "Capacitme" Mitzvah capacity!!