Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | MainIt's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.
=== Mac & Dennis: Manhunters [4.1] ===
Frank: Hey! I killed a deer, I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.
Mac: Wait, you shot a deer?
Frank: That's right! A ten point buck!
(Frank mimes firing a rifle)
Frank: Pt'ew! Right between his soulful little eyes.Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!Dee: I don't think I can handle it if we're cannibals and racists.
=== The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis [4.2] ===
Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
Charlie: You're totally right, dude.
Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.
Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Charlie: Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Charlie: Oh, good!Dennis: Alright, well just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."
Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...
Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna...
[front door answered]
Dennis: Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.
Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.
Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...
Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.
Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please.
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?
[rushing into the van]
Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes![The gang driving in the rape van]
Mac: Wait, the brakes... the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying... no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better.
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working?!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]Charlie: I'm gonna go pick up some disguises.
Charlie: So people don't know who we are.
Dennis: People already don't know who we are!
=== Mac's Banging the Waitress [4.4] ===
Charlie: [Drunk and slurring] Sooo I thought we could celebrate, with some pizza! And some beer! Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing? Hey guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up!Charlie: Just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.
Dennis: Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?
Charlie: I... diiiid... noooot.
=== Mac & Charlie Die (Part 1) [4.5] ===
Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.Parole Guy: You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.Charlie: Of course I'm gonna explode. You think I'm not gonna explode?
=== Mac & Charlie Die (Part 2) [4.6] ===
Dennis: Um, okay well, I guess this is probably...is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?
=== Who Pooped the Bed? [4.7] ===
[In a club]
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole!Artemis: Im gonna take my bra off, blast my nips.[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the... chocolate variety!
=== Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia [4.8] ===
Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I really don't like this guy!Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy."
=== Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life [4.9] ===
Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back, man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test... come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!Rob: [gets in Dennis' face] Watch your ass new meat!Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.Dennis: [After finding out he was hallucinating about Sinbad and Rob Thomas] Ah, I should see a doctor I'm really messed up.
Sinbad: [Hallucination form] Psst! No your not, bitch!
=== Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack [4.10] ===
Employer: And you included in your specialties, "Taking care of business"?
Charlie: Mmm Hmm
Mac: Mmm Hmm T.C.O.B.
Charlie: Mmm HmmMac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! Okay! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]Dennis: You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.
Sweet Dee: I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.
Dennis: Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.Spin Class Instructor: Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.
Sweet Dee: Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!Sweet Dee (to Spin Class Instructor): See you, Coach Dick and Balls.
=== The Gang Cracks The Liberty Bell [4.11] ===
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn't have a head, Charlie!Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Dee: All right.
Dee: One, two, three..
Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?
Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!
Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Frank: Shoot the pumpkin.
Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Charlie: Gimme the gun.
Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!
Dee: Oh my God!
Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Dee: You know what? Okay, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Frank: Gimme that gun!
Charlie: She cursed the gun!
Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose]
Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens]
=== The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition [4.12] ===
Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about how awesome Sears is!Dee: Su casa es no más. Su vida es no más. ¡Somos extremos! ¡Cómo la televisión!Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Charlie: Tacos, buddy!
=== The Nightman Cometh [4.13] ===
Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.Charlie: (singing) I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I'm a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m'am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!Dennis: Dude, do you have a boner right now?!Dee: Also I wrote a song and I'm gonna throw it in there.
Charlie: I swear to god if you do that I'll-
Dee: Too bad, its gonnnnaaa happen! Its gonna happen!
Charlie: I will smack your face, off of your face!! Do not do a song!
Dee: Okay.Charlie: (barely in control): I am going to smack everyone into tiny...little...pieces!Charlie: Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm through with you!