Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 | MainMarried... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.
=== Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch, And Dinner [10.1] ===
Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.Peg: You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.
=== A Shoe Room With A View [10.2] ===
Bud: Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
Peg: Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.Al: It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
Peg: Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
Al: Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.
Peg (scared): Even Otis?
Al: Especially Otis.[Al is trying on shoes for a fat woman named Matilda.]
Matilda: I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
Al: And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
Matilda:[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?
Al: Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!
=== Requiem For A Dead Briard [10.3] ===
Peg: And to think I could've had any man on the football team.
Al: Peg, you had them all.Kelly: Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.
Al: I was saving that name for my tombstone.
=== Reverend Al [10.4] ===
Kelly: You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?
Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?Jefferson: Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.
=== How Bleen Was My Kelly [10.5] ===
Bud: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peg: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al: That's putting something I have into something I don't like.Kelly: Mom, Dad, Bud: you will never guess what I got.
Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take Virginity for $100.
Kelly: Well, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than $1000.
=== The Weaker Sex [10.6] ===
Al: When I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.
=== Flight Of The Bumblebee[10.7] ===
Al: Wow, we must have gone back in time 'cause I'm experiencing déjà moo.Peg: Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.
Al: Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.
Griff: That'd make me a ho.
=== Blonde and Blonder [10.8] ===
Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
Al (referring to Jefferson): Well, I don't know. You married him.
Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head. The one that's actually worth something.Eric: It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes, contacts and $10,000,000.Kelly (as she's freezing on the roof of a building): Oh look, it's a bird, it's a plane, ... it's Mr Potato Head?
=== The Two That Got Away [10.9] ===
Al: Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.Al: I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
Jefferson: My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?
Al: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
=== Dud Bowl II [10.10] ===
Al: Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?
Marcy: Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.Al: When a Bundy doesn't get what's rightfully his, he makes sure that no one gets it either.
=== Bearly Men [10.11] ===
Al: Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?
Peg: Me, Al?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: Was I in bed?
Al: Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.
Peg: Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?
Al: Cindy Crawford.Al: Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.
=== Love Conquers Al [10.12] ===
Al: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.Carlos: Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.
=== I Can't Believe It's Butter [10.13] ===
Al: Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?
Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.[A fat woman named Matilda returns.]
Matilda: Excuse me, do you have pumps in my size?
Al: Yes I do, but the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes would not allow me to sell them to you.
Matilda: I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.
Al: And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours.
=== The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (1)[10.14] ===
=== The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (2)[10.15] ===
(Al and the NO MA'AM group are up on his roof assembling a satellite dish)
Jefferson: (reading the assembly instructions) Let's see here. I've got Bracket S and Washer T. Hey, Dan. Hand me Screw U.
Officer Dan: What?
Jefferson: I said Screw U.
Officer Dan: (angry) Well, up yours, you-! (draws his gun on Jefferson)
Al: (stepping between them) Focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus!
=== Calendar Girl [10.16] ===
Al: When did you leave?
Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.
=== Agony and the Extra C [10.17] ===
Doctor: Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?
Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.Al: Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?[After listening to Kelly's dim-witted comments]
O'Malley: Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer.Jefferson: So the tattoo on my but said "I Love M-A-R-Y".
Kelly: So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
Bud: There's a C in Marcy.
Kelly: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.(As Harris the drunk tattoo artist is trying to draw a "C" so he can fix Jefferson's tattoo)
Al: Come on, Harris, for God's sake. Just make the "C". How tough can it be?
Harris (trembling from delirium tremens): I need a shot.
Al (threatens to punch him): I'll give you a shot!Griff: That doesn't look like a "C"!
Harris (drunkenly): Lay off, will ya? (tries not to belch): "C"'s a tough letter.
Al: When your blood has more alcohol than plasma, they're all tough letters.
=== Spring Break (1) [10.18] ===
Dan: Call it in the air.
Kelly: It's a coin.
Dan: You win.Kelly: I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.
=== Spring Break (2) [10.19] ===
=== Turning Japanese [10.20] ===
Al: Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.
=== Al Goes To The Dogs [10.21] ===
Kelly: What do you think?
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
=== Enemies [10.22] ===
Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.
=== Bud Hits The Books [10.23] ===
Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.
=== Kiss Of The Coffee Woman [10.24] ===
Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?Al: Hey, what's the bed for?
Director: Come on, Mr. Bundy! You're a married man.
Al: What's the bed for?
=== Torch Song Duet [10.25] ===
Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.Kelly: Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.
=== The Joke's On Al [10.26] ===
Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.[Jefferson has just came into the Bundy house with sweats on, covering a toilet seat stuck to butt.]
Jefferson: Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.
[Al, Bud and Kelly laugh at Jefferson as he tries to exit the Bundy home.]